It's all about Him

It's been way too long

2009-11-20T16:06:00.002-04:00

It's been too long since my last post. I don't mean for that to happen it's just... well you know how life can get. It can get busy!

I'm doing good. I got a job at a preschool. I started in the summer and since then well, I'm just going crazy trying to get everything a busy family needs done. Being a mommy who works outside the home comes with new sets of challenges. Maintaining the needs of my home and family make it so hard to sit down at the computer and find time to write. There's always something that needs to be done or someone who needs attention!

I'm working as a preschool teacher for the school at my church. The great thing is Lorenzo, my almost 4 year old goes with me. It's the next best thing to being a stay at home mom! I get to make a little money and be with my at least one of my kids!

God brought into my life a great opportunity through this job. One of my students is autisic and I've always been drawn to these special children who seem locked within themselves. I really took a special interest in this student and the parents noticed and asked if I would be interested in taking training in something called Applied Behavioral Analysis. I jumped on the opportunity and have been doing online training videos and now give private lessons to this student.

I enjoy working with this student so much I now want to go back to school and get my degree in special education. The mother has said to me many times she thinks I should specialize in this field as she thinks it's my "gift." She said her son has shown more improvement with me in these past months than in the 18 months of special therapies and school he was in!

It's was amazing to me that my student's mother said that. My own mother always said to me that I had a gift and should somehow work with kids in need. She called it a special wisdom and said my nana Connors had it too.

I just know when I look into the eyes of a child with autism I cry out to God for help and mercy. My heart sings, asking my student "where is your soul? I know you are in there." Autism is trapping them, locking them inside a prision in their mind. It is my job to reach in there and help pull them out!

And so that is what I have been up too everyday. Helping pull this special child out. It's not an easy job, thankfully my student isn't violent but I have been bitten and it's physically very demanding. But it's so awesome to work so hard and then see the child respond and do something new, something you know they could never do before! To make a difference and get a chance to love a special child is really an awesome thing!

Someone asked if I have been working on my mother's novel. I'm sad to say I haven't done a single thing. It bothers me quite bad, I feel so guilty and have confused emotions regarding the subject. Am I supposed to be writing that story? And if I am supposed too and I'm not... well that just creates a lot more questions. Sigh.

Despite it being well over a year since my mother passed away, I'm still greiving terribly. The only way I can describe it is I feel like cancer stole something sacred from me. My sense of home and family have been ripped away and a hole is left there. Time will not heal that. Oh, I will adjust, what else can one do? But I know now I'll never be the same. And how can I be? Every holiday will remind me that it was supposed to be very different. My future, the way it was supposed to be was stolen from me.

We were supposed to have a life time of memories to make. Now it's like right in front of my very own eyes, a black hole opened up and ripped part of my happiness from my hands. As if through a fog I can see an older Claudia and her nana around the table for Christmas dinner and then it's like a vaccum comes and sucks that image away, leaving behind a whole lot that is never to be.

Now I'm left numb and scrambling to quickly redefine the meaning of a lot of things, before I lose too much time. Life is so quick and these kids I'm blessed with are little only once... Cancer has stolen my mom, but it's not going to make me have regrets with what I have left.

A very bright spot in my life right now is my relationship with my husband Javier. Financial it's been a tough year for us, but praise God I can report that despite those hardships our home has never been happier. I recently started back mountain biking. I used to compete along with Javier before the kids and had to drop that once I had them. But now they are getting bigger and easier to care for so Javier watches them while I ride. We load up the car on the weekends and head off to a trail as a family and then we take turns riding. It's been so much fun. There is nothing like flying down a trail on your bike to clear your mind. It's just me, my bike and the mountain! I'm so thankful to God my little family is intact and happy. Thank God for his mercy.

Whew, that got very long. I guess I should try and keep up on here better so I don't have to write a book when I come back on!

Your comments brought me here...

2009-07-08T17:50:00.002-04:00

I'm still around! Thanks for asking about me.

I guess this summer has been a little hard for me. This past May marked one year ago that my mom entered Hospice care and the countdown to her death started. Most of you know I spent those last three months with her.

My mind keeps flashing back. I keep remember things like, "well last July 4th, Julie the kids and I bought a ton of fireworks and set them all off on mom and dad's drive way." Afterward we drove downtown and watched the city firework display.

Where was mom? In her hospital bed dying...

There are no words to describe that grief. The pain of watching her slowly slip away.

Someone, and I can't remember who told me right after she died that the grief hadn't even begun yet. I remember those words and understand them now.

July 21 will mark a year since her death. How can that be? It seems like yesterday. It seems so fresh. I've cried more this summer than I did last summer.

I keep thinking about the family summer vacation we would have taken this summer if she weren't gone...

I feel angry and cheated and I really really really miss my mom.

I guess that's one reason I haven't posted. Right now I'm full of pain and hurting. I know it will be ok, my mom said it would... but I just miss her...so much...

My heartfelt prayer; Dear Jesus, Please tell my mom I miss her but I'm going to be ok with your help. I hear her words, her advice, her encouragement and with your help I will rise up! Love, Jennifer

Dance with Jesus

2009-05-09T09:34:00.006-04:00

Tuesday I attended a memorial service in honor of my mother, Kristy Dykes who died last July from a glioblastoma brain tumor. My mother was a pastor's wife serving 37 years in church ministry along side my dad. She was a published award winning author, speaker, writer, painter, pianist and so much more. A talented woman. Her grave marker reads Pizazz! Enthusiasm! High Energy! This describes her perfect.

I flew into Orlando without the kids on Monday for the short two day trip and my dad and Wanda picked me up. Julie joined us and we had a wonderful time together.

What is it like having a stepmother after the death of my own sweet and wonderful mother? Wanda is a comfort, a soothing balm to a wounded and worn soul. There is a spoken and even unspoken understanding and love that flows from her heart. She is a rare gift of hope and promise from God Himself.

Tuesday was the memorial service given by the Assemblies of God at their annual district council. It was in honor of all the ministers and spouses of ministers who have passed away in the past year. We sat in the front of a church that seats 6,000 and waited for my mother's name to be called and her picture displayed in a brief moment of honor.

Sitting there grief and disbelief grabbed hold of my heart. Waves of tears threatened to shake me to the core. Suppressed sobs and screams demanded to ring out of my heart and spill through tightly drawn lips.

"How oh how, will I ever be able to grab a hold of myself?" I wondered desperately. My eyes stealing fleeting glances at the many others who dabbed at tears with tightly wadded tissues. Their eyes rimmed red with tears that spilled in grief for their loved one. "Get control of your emotions, Jennifer." I shouted quietly to myself.

But oh how my heart bucked against reason and longed for once to be let loose in loud, long wails of grief and pain...

"Your beloved sweet mother is dead and you are all alone. You sit on a bench with only a rose to hold, instead of her sweet hand. She is gone...gone...gone...!"

Suddenly her name was announced, we stood in shock looking up at the picture of her beautiful smiling face. So full of love for life, passion and energy. And then it was gone. Blinked out and another face flashed on the screen. We sat down almost unwillingly as our hearts sighed for her to come back... "just one more minute...don't take her picture down..."

Crushed I felt. Defeated. Left feeling robbed, I sat with my shoulders slumped, head bowed and hid behind a curtain of my long brown hair. And then someone started singing. Something about Jesus the Savior.

I closed my eyes and listened to the music with my heart. Sweet images of my precious Savior Jesus started washing over my weary mind. My soul became silent and still with the knowledge that He is God.

I felt a gentle whisper into my heart calling me. Ever so quietly. Ever so sweetly. Ever so softly like a gentle flutter of a butterfly wing against my soul. A voice called... "Look Jennifer! Can you see? Can you see her, Jennifer? Can you see us? Look with your heart, not your eyes Jennifer! Look! See!"

Looking with the eyes of my heart, I strained against a cloudy and unclear vision. But I saw! A sigh of instant peace and joy washed over my soul.

For there in my minds eye was placed the beautiful and perfect image of my mother held tenderly in the arms of Jesus. And they were dancing! Dancing slowly to the same sweet worship music I was hearing! My heart sang: "Jesus, I see! I see her! She is perfect and made whole and smiling! She isn't gone! She's right there in your embrace, dancing with You!

Real or imagined, that image remains forever burned in my mind. Hope replaces broken despair! Peace replaces raging, unchecked grief! Joy replaces despondent sorrow!

Oh to have such eternal hope! Won't you too trust Him? Don't you too hear Him calling you? Whispering tenderly to you, "Look! See! Oh how I love and care for you!"

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, How sweet and beautiful You are! At times You take my breath away. I am speechless in front of Your stunning beauty. Just what is so beautiful about You, some may ask? Why, it is Your amazing selfless love! It is Your perfect love that is so stunning!

just sad

2009-04-28T13:19:00.003-04:00

What a sorry post title but it's how I feel today.

I just feel sad.

I'm not without hope for the future...

I'm not without love for the moment...

I'm just sad.

Sad that someone I love can get cancer and die, and I can't do one thing about it.

Sad that cancer still has the power to stike a family twice.

This world is so full of hurts, disappointments, pain, and grief.

Today I'm sad that I know first hand how brief life really is...

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, When are You coming? My soul longs for Your return. My soul cries out "how much longer, Lord?" What a conflict I find my soul in... my heart is longing to be complete in Your presence, yet... my soul weeps for those who still don't know You. Strengthen me for Your work today. Renew my hope for today. Love, Jennifer

Happy Birthday

2009-04-18T08:21:00.002-04:00

Today is my 31st birthday!

I woke this morning with Claudia pressing her little button nose to mine, her sweet breath on my cheek and whispering "happy birthday, mommy." It was so tender, I couldn't keep a stray from tear escaping.

Today hope flows through my heart, I know that somewhere in heaven my mom knows that today is April 18th. This is the first birthday of mine that she's been in heaven instead of here...

I don't doubt that today she remembers and is smiling and most likely thanking our creator for LIFE!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Thank you for my life. How can I ever express my joy that You thought of me, that You made me. That You created me to know You! Thank you!

Jesus, here is a question that You know the answer to: How can there be love without choice? You have given me the gift of life and not only life but eternal life and so today on my birthday I have a gift for You! Today, to show my love I choose You! And not only do I say I love You, but I desire to show You this love by a choice.

Today I take a piece of my flesh, my earthly desires and I nail it to Your cross! You know my innermost heart and soul, I don't even have to speak out loud what those fleshy desires are. With the power of You love, I turn and face You.

My heart and soul LONGS for You. I have so little to give, so little to offer. I am so frail, so weak, but what I do have is a heart that is beating for You.

I invite You in to my day, and smile knowing You are by my side holding my hand and delighting in my gift! Love, Jennifer

Where have I been?

2009-04-06T09:41:00.003-04:00

I'm sorry I've just disappeared!

April has been very busy. I've been preparing for VBS, and working on Sunday school stuff. Plus the daily doings of a busy household with small children.

Now I'm in Tampa with Javier and the kids. My dad got married to Wanda on Friday. We arrived late Wednesday night in Tampa and on Thursday before the wedding we drove to Brandon and met Wanda and Paige, her four year old granddaughter.

I wondered how I would feel seeing my dad and Wanda together for the first time. You know what? It felt completely natural. I knew I would like Wanda but I just wondered how it would feel to see them together. There is something about Wanda that is comforting, warm, and a calming love you can feel.

There is much I want to share about the wedding, but I will have to come back later and write more.

Saturday we went to Jacksonville and went to my dad and now Wanda's home.

Dread filled my heart. I didn't want to go inside, but running away solves nothing. What else can one do but push forward? What was I dreading, you might wonder. Honestly, it had nothing to do with the changes. Simply put, that doesn't bother me. It had nothing to do with Wanda. It feels comforting and right that she is there. It was only about the fact that my mother wasn't going to be opening the door, waiting for me.

It was HARD. Harder than I thought to be there. Had I not had two small children and a husband there with me, I would have jumped in the car and driven straight to my mom's grave. Every fiber of my being wanted to fling myself on her grave and dig her out, screaming, "you're not supposed to be dead to us. Don't you know you're supposed to be in your house?"

I've never felt so angry about her being gone, her spirit so far away, so untouchable in heaven. I wanted her home. Greeting us in her kitchen. I could see her smile, imagine what she would say and do.

There were many bitter, angry and depressed tears. I haven't grieved like that before. I know where my mom is, my heart is set on the place where she is, my eyes focused on the goal of one day getting there myself. But Saturday's tears boiled down to pity.

I don't regret those tears or letting myself grieve like that. I know God understands and gave me the space to just simply be human.

But you know what, one can't stay in that frame of mind long. It's a dangerous, dark place that pity, depression and anger leads you. They beckon with their cold, sharp tentacles. Desperate to wrap pity around one's mind and it's a horrible trap.

Thank God for His mercy and LOVE that are stronger... that are more powerful... and more wonderful than one can imagine. Thank God for His HOPE that is fresh... that flows like river... that fills your heart and gives life!

Sunday was a new day and I woke feeling... released, renewed and refreshed. Ready for a bright new future. Worship at Southside Assembly was wonderful! I went with Jesus by my side and praised my God just steps away from where my mother's coffin once held her earthly shell. I raised my hands in VICTORY because death didn't win! Through Jesus, there is eternal life. I smiled knowing in heaven my mom was dancing along with me! I felt like I was smiling with her, knowing a wonderful secret!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, I thank you for being so close beside me this week. Thank you for allowing me to grieve and release my anger and hurt. Thank you for allowing me to be myself and still loving me despite that! Thank you for taking care of my mother, for giving her such a wonderful place to be, in heaven and in your presence. Thank you for the gift that is Wanda. I see her for the beautiful treasure she is, and I stand in awe of your blessing to our family. Simply put I love you, Jesus. Love, Jennifer

Sunday went great!

2009-03-25T08:34:00.002-04:00

Sunday went better than I ever thought it would!

I wasn't very nervous, my voice didn't quake and I didn't hyperventilate. Although my hands did shake a little.

After the announcement and skit I taught Sunday School to the preschoolers. We had 10 little ones and I had my hands full. We've about doubled and need to make some changes to adjust.

We've come to point were we need another volunteer. It's hard doing crafts with 10 preschoolers who all need help, right at the EXACT same time!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, I praise you that our preschool class has grown! What a wonderful blessing to teach these kids about you. We've grown so much that we need more help. I pray that you will speak into the heart of someone, whether it's someone already in the church or someone new. You know our hearts and needs and I put this into your trust. Love, Jennifer

Results

2009-03-20T08:41:00.004-04:00

All the results from Javier's test are back...

Everything appears fine!

He still has some tests left to do on his heart, but he's feeling better and back to work.

Perhaps those tests will give us some answers or... maybe it's just one of those things that happen?

He is back to biking, I'm a little nervous about that but it's a big part of his life and the doctor didn't say to stop. He has a big race next Sunday. Please keep him in your prayers.

I've been busy working on VBS, reading the director's manual and seeing what all needs to be done. This Sunday I'm making an announcement and doing a skit in the main service to promote a VBS volunteer meeting coming up. I pray I don't pass out! I get VERY nervous in front of people.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, I can't help but laugh that I find myself giving an announcement this Sunday. You do know I get super nervous and start talking funny in front of a crowd, right? I can't promise to sound like a pro, but what I do promise is that I'm going to rely completely on you. I'm going to do my best and not worry about the rest. I trust you to be right by my side. I believe it's not just me giving that announcement but us together! If I completely fail and even fall on my face, it won't be a failure to me, because I'm drawing closer to You. Needing You, wanting You, expecting You and counting on You and You alone! I love you Jesus! With smiles, Jennifer

A Little Scare

2009-03-14T09:05:00.004-04:00

Friday started as a typical Friday evening for us. We got our favorite pizza and picked up movies for my favorite thing, a fun family night at home. The kids and I were sitting on the couch watching Beverly Hills Chihuahua and Javier was sitting nearby at the dinning table on the laptop.

I heard a commotion across the room and looked over and noticed, no Javier. That's odd, I thought. When I finally pried the kids off my lap and got up I saw Javier passed out cold on the hard tile floor with blood coming out his head.

I bent over and noticed a cut on his forehead and a broken front tooth. He started moaning and coming too. Amazingly I stayed calm and got rags for the blood and ice for his head. I grabbed the cell phone, preparing to call... who? 911? Nope that doesn't work well here. I called his mother and thoroughly freaked her out but she called an ambulance and rushed out the door to come help.

I kept thinking Javier would get up and say "I'm ok, what's the big fuss?" But instead he couldn't get up and couldn't talk and didn't know what was going on. He started sweating and shaking and got cold.

The kids were hovering around asking ONE MILLION questions, poor little things. It was a shock to all of us to see this big strong man of ours so helpless. I put the kids to work, gotta keep little minds busy to stay out of trouble. They hurried back and forth on their mission of getting blankets and pillows for daddy. Claudia sat behind his head blowing kisses to her daddy.

Finally the ambulance arrived and by then he was talking but couldn't get up. Off they went to the ER. I got the kids settled with brother and sister in law and headed into the ER.

They did a bunch of tests, a CT scan and in the end said everything came back fine. He had a massive headache and a broken front tooth but no stitches. They don't know why he passed out and recommend follow up testing soon.

**************

Update: Javier woke Saturday morning with a bad pain in his neck and still felt dizzy so off to another ER. They redid the CT scan, this time including his neck and still didn't see anything. They think it has to do with the nerves in his back and referred him to a neurologist.

I'm so grateful everything has come back negative so far, I was really nervous yesterday evening waiting for those CT results. It felt like I was reliving some of what we went through with my mom.

Please keep him in your prayers that the neurologist can find out exactly what's wrong and he can get some relief from this pain and dizziness.

God are you calling me into...

2009-03-02T08:32:00.002-04:00

Ministry?

I've felt for a few years a tug on my heart. It's as if God is whispering into my heart that He has a plan for me.

I keep trying to ignore that voice. I keep pushing against that tug. My resistance is making me miserable because I know He has a plan but it just doesn't make sense to me!

I keep thinking "God, now how can you be calling me into ministry? How can I do that? How could that possibly work out? What would Javier think? Why on earth would You want me?"

Then I get a call.

The chairman of the Christian Education committee has asked me to direct Vacation Bible School this summer. You see, the Christian Education Director at our church just recently resigned to start a church on the other side of the island. And there is a need...

I responded I would love to, but I needed to pray about it. After all I am looking for job, what if I'm working and can't do it?

So I prayed and then talked to Javier about it. I poured out my heart and shared with him the desires I believe God has given me. The desire to do something in ministry. I also shared my fears with him, the ones I mentioned above. All the sudden it became crystal clear to me, I know exactly what God is calling me to do. I've just been too afraid to trust, to hope, to believe, to dream.

A fire started burning in my heart and a thrilling passion took over my soul. A peace like I haven't felt since I got saved came over my heart and I finally submitted and admitted my call. It's like a missing piece of the puzzle came flying into my heart and I feel so complete and confident.

And guess what? Javier gave me his full blessing! We've decided together that I'm going to accept the challenge of directing VBS this summer and use it as a platform into ministry. I'm praying for God to use this to raise up a leader in me and see where He takes it from there.

It's putting faith into action and once again Javier is practicing faith without even being a believer! We are believing that God will work out the finance part of the situation.

I still don't understand why God wants to use me, I don't feel like I'm a leader. But I'm focusing my heart on what I do know, that everyday I'm going to turn to Him and ask "Jesus, what are we going to do today? How are you going to use me, to equip me to fulfill the plan You have for me?"

Oh it's going to be exciting!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Oh boy, do I need you more now than I ever have. You've NEVER left me before and so I have confidence you will stick by me now! My confidence is in You and I ask for Your help, Your power to go forth and fulfill my destiny. Love, Jennifer

I miss you

2009-02-27T19:40:00.002-04:00

Tonight I'm just missing my mom...

Big tears drip down my face. I want to call her so bad. I can hear the conversation in my head. "Hey mom, whatcha doin?" I'd ask. She'd probably reply that she was finishing cleaning up the kitchen, or maybe just finishing up a writing project.

I just want to hear her voice, so positive and happy sounding.

Maybe I can sneak a call to my parent's house and catch the answering machine, which still has her voice on it. "Your call is important, please leave a message." To hear her voice, so clear and ALIVE. It was the voice untouched by cancer.

Very soon my dad will be changing his answering machine, I know it's time, he knows it's time. We all know. I just want to hold on to something from the past. I just feel like telling her, "ok mom, I'm really tired of you being gone. Can you just come back now?"

The more days and months that go by, the more normal it feels for her to be gone. I'm getting used to her not being here, and I hate that. Part of my heart doesn't want to know what it feels like to go on.

I keep thinking how this time last year was her last really good moments. The doctors explained how she would have a window of time after the radiation which she would be at her best before she would rapidly decline. Oh how short that window was!

Thank God I got there during some of that window and had some great moments with her. I remember when I had to say goodbye in the Orlando airport and just walk away. How can you walk away knowing that could be it? I wish I could jump back in time and run back to her in the airport and never let go.

But I couldn't do that then, and I can't have her back now...

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, I really miss her. Could you do me a favor and find her there in heaven and give her a big hug and tell her it's from me? Can you tell her I miss her and love her? Thanks. Love, Jennifer

The portrait is done

2009-02-21T09:05:00.003-04:00

I got the portrait of my mom back! I'm so pleased with it. A big thank you shout out to my dad.

My mother-in-law, Lourdes took me to a framing shop and helped me pick out the mats and frame. The frame is silver but has rust colored lines through it that match her hair.

We hung it at the bottom of our stairs and it's in between the kitchen and living/dinning room area.

The kids and I are enjoying having her picture so close by, and in a small way it's like having her with us.

Claudia keeps looking up and asking "mommy, nana is in our heart, right?"

I'm trying my best to explain that Jesus lives in our heart, and nana is with Jesus so in a way she's there too. And we will always carry her memory in our hearts.

We miss you mom. We will never forget the enormous love you poured into our lives.

A God Who Answers Our Prayers

2009-02-19T19:08:00.003-04:00

The past few weeks I've really prayed asking God to give me wisdom in one major area of my life and I just love it when God shows up big!

I've been praying for wisdom in raising my little kiddies. They are three and five and such a delight, but oh boy, do they stretch my patience.

Lorenzo is coming out of the terrible two's (ok so he's been three since November) but the tantrums. Oh. My. Goodness. He cries and pitches fits with a passion not seen since... well, me actually! I've been told I was very "strong willed."

So just how does one get a passionate, strong-willed, temper tantrum throwing three-year-old to cooperate? There are times I want to pull my hair out, scream and run out the door! But guess what? That gets us no where quick!

Since I believe God is the giver of wisdom I decided to pray and ask for some custom made wisdom into the situation.

Suddenly in my heart, part of the answer became clear.

Isn't it awesome how we can go to God and ask Him stuff like this?

It's slightly humbling what I feel God told me, but I'm not going to shy away!

Two things. I realized I fuss to much and I get frustrated too quickly and easily. As clear as a bell I saw the areas I needed to work on to be a better mother.

Just today, my hubby commented how patient I was with my three year old. I just had to smile and give the glory to my God, because believe me that patience came from Him!

You see, God is waiting to shower down gifts on us. Just ask Him. Need wisdom into a certain situation? How to deal with that tough co-worker, in-law, husband, or wife? I challenge you to make it a matter of prayer, ask Him for the answer. Then open your heart and receive it and let Him work it out through you. Let Him use you to shower His love, His mercy, His grace into someone else's life.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Oh how I need You. I call to You asking for help. Give me wisdom in how to raise my children. You desire that we live in peace and so I ask You to equip me with Your power to accomplish what You have set before me. Give me just enough for exactly what I need and not a drop more. I desire to pant after You, needing You, wanting You and living my life one day at a time completely relying upon You. Love, Jennifer

Chosen

2009-02-17T18:32:00.004-04:00

Are you chosen?

Today while sitting in traffic I was reading the Bible on my iphone when the end of this verse struck me...

Mark 13:20... But for the sake of his chosen ones he has shortened those days.

Chosen. Interesting word I thought. But what does that mean? Does He choose some and not others? What about those He doesn't "choose?" What happens to them?

Merriam Webster Online defines chosen as: one who is the object of choice or divine favor.

I certainly feel like He choose me. It's not so much that I'm using that verse in context, I understand He's talking about end times. What I'm refering to is that He used the word chosen, and I can relate to that word. It struck a cord in me because I once felt Him call me, and He revealed Himself in a personal and unique way.

I often wonder why He did that. What makes me so special? I'm so grateful to know Him, but my heart cries out "what about those who don't know Him?"

I really don't think I'm special. I'm not sure why there are those whom He doesn't reveal Himself so clearly too. I can only try and show you my heart, perhaps give a glimpse of what He sees.

I long for Him. To know Him, to be loved by Him. I want Him more than anything. I desire Him. I'm chasing after Him and I'm not going to let go until I know more, experience more.

What exactly am I chasing? What does that mean in real life? One thing I'm chasing is His peace. The kind of peace you can feel. Peace similar to a cloud that wraps tightly around and keeps you from falling when you hear the worst news of your life. For me that was when my mom was in ICU and the doctor gave the news that she had six months or less to live. That peace felt like cotton candy and all I had to do was open my mouth and taste it.

Today when I read chosen, my heart cried out and grabbed onto that word for my husband. "Jesus!!! Choose Javier." I want my husband to know Him. It's not that I want Javier to find a religion, or change, or donate money to church, or become weird.

I just want him to be blasted and washed by His love. I want him to feel 100% loved by his Creator. Just one blast and I know he'd be hooked! I've been convinced by that love. I want Him to call out Javier by name.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Have mercy on Javier. Have mercy on my husband. Choose him. Call him. Show Him who you really are. Pull off the scale on his eyes and let him see You. You called me, You love me and I'm asking You to do the same for Javier. It's the cry of my heart. I'm not going to let You go, I'm not going to stop asking for this mercy. I want it for the sake of my husband, for the sake of my children but also for the sake of the kingdom! Advance Your kingdom. Use me! Use him. Just a blast, Jesus. I know You want him! Love you always, Jennifer

Inherited Obsessions

2009-02-15T08:12:00.003-04:00

If my mom were still alive I'd call her up and our conversation would go like this, "mom, remember when I was little and would get "very attached" to certain things? Well, Lorenzo is just like me!"

My mom and I used to talk on the phone almost everyday. We talked about life, kids, God and more.

I loved how she always had wonderful, Godly advise and would end many conversations with a prayer, tears always in her voice. She was a woman who had empathy for all in need.

One story I remember her telling about me had to do with white gloves. Once when I was little I suddenly decided I wanted to go to sleep wearing my white Sunday gloves. She explained that I couldn't sleep with them and passionate little me pitched a royal fit. Many tears later, she won and the gloves were put aside. So she thought! Later when she went to check on me, there I was asleep wearing those gloves!

Later when I had kids, she used this story to point out that some battles aren't worth fighting!

How grateful I am that I had her, to teach me these things about motherhood. I miss her so much. I don't understand why she had to go now, there is so much more I need her to teach me!

Now I have Lorenzo, who in many ways is a little "mini-me." He's a passionate little guy who apparently has inherited my obsessions! In the picture notice how he's sleeping beside his new red shoes. He usually wants to go to sleep wearing his shoes, and knowing that some battles aren't worth fighting, I've bargained with him and instead her puts his shoes beside his pillow and sleeps that way! Wonder where he got that from! ha!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Sometimes I don't understand why you gave me such a wonderful, wise mother and then took her away. There is so much more I needed to learn from her. Why now? I don't understand, but I do trust You. I look to You with my arms outstreched, expecting YOU to help guide me. I ask You for wisdom in raising these special kids You've trusted me with. I ask Your Holy Spirit to come and be that voice of wisdom, that unique guide that only He can be. Love, Jennifer

Where the learning begins

2009-02-13T00:00:00.000-04:00

Here are the kiddies sitting at their favorite table. It's one of the many things my mom bought them. I put it outside in the garage and that's our pool in the background. Before you get worried, there is a metal gate that retracts blocking off the pool from ground to ceiling. I just opened it for the picture.

I didn't get the job I interviewed for. They felt my Spanish wasn't strong enough. So frustrating, but I'm believing He knows and is going to take care of my needs.

Today I started working on simple school lessons with Lorenzo. Claudia is in pre-k and has an hour of homework each night. It's amazing the push they put on these kids to learn everything so early. It would bug me except these kids are so active that it's good to put their little minds to work.

Did you see my dad's blog? He posted something interesting, you might want to check it out. Some exciting news, I've been dying for him to share!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Today I am asking "just what do you have in store for me?" You know exactly what I need, what is best for my family. Give me wisdom, I need clear answers and guidance from You. Love always, Jennifer

2009-02-11T16:45:00.004-04:00

My Dad had this beautiful portrait of my dear mother made last summer. It was made using a recent photo of her before she got real sick. He put it in their room near her hospital bed. For three months she laid in that bed, slowly dying. Everyday getting weaker and more frail.

I would wake up every morning and wonder if she made it through the night. Was she still with us? I would go in quietly and check her, immediately relieved she was still there.

But the relief would quickly be replaced by dread as I would wonder how much longer she would have to suffer. I would check her breathing, was she breathing slower than the day before? I was constantly looking for "signs" that the hospice pamphlet said would accompany the end.

When she finally let go of my dad's hand and grabbed the hand of Jesus, I was an hour or so away on the highway, trying desperately to get to her. For months I'd been by her side, wanting to be with her as she met her Savior face to face.

But it wasn't to be, and in the end God knew. My dad was with her and witnessed a private, Holy moment.

I was able to see her before they took her away. I climbed in her bed and put her arms around me, sobbing like I'd never done before. For months I tried to be strong and keep her spirits up. I wanted her to know I'd be ok. But then her spirit was gone and it was just me saying goodbye to the earthly shell of what was my wonderful, sweet mother.

Oh how I miss her...

Last Thursday, my doorbell rang and it was the mail man handing me a long tube. Can you guess what was inside?

The portrait of my mother! My dad made a copy and wanted me to have something special and meaningful of her. Isn't that sweet of him? He has been the most wonderful father I could ever ask for.

I'm going Friday to get it framed and we're hanging it in Claudia's room!

2009-02-09T00:00:00.001-04:00

Friday, February 6 2009 was our 11th wedding anniversary! 11 years people!!! Wow that went fast! I was 19 he was 25, we were in love and moving to Puerto Rico. We gave my parents a week's notice and my dad married us in Lakeland in my parent's home. My mom, the ever talented woman she was, pulled together a wedding for us in one week.

One week after our wedding, Javier left for Puerto Rico to start his new job and secure an apartment and vehicle for us. One month later I followed him and we began our new life together.

On Friday while holding hands at the breakfast table I looked into his eyes and said "you know after 11 years, I'm still deeply in love with you and get excited and get butterflies in my stomach over you." The man of few words looked back at me and said "me too!" That says it all.

God truly is the Healer. He healed my marriage and that's why we are still together. There were times when we could have gone our seperate ways, we could have left with very hurt and heavy hearts. It was only God's mercy that He poured down His amazing love and restored our love for each other. He took my broken heart and showed me Javier through His eyes. It's His love that is between us and binds us together! It's amazing how beautiful someone looks through His eyes.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Thank you for hearing my cry and reaching down with Your hand that heals. You touched my heart. You touched Javier's heart. I will be forever in awe of You. Love, Jennifer

Missing out

2009-02-08T08:59:00.003-04:00

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Today the kids are sick and we are stuck here at home. I'm sorry I can't meet you at your house this Sunday, how about you come over and we meet at mine? I invite you into my day and ask you to be by my side. Help me comfort my sick little ones and give me extra strength and patience to be the good mother you have called me to be. Love Jennifer

Puerto Rico

2009-02-06T00:00:00.007-04:00

This is a picture of my little guy Lorenzo. He turned 3 in November. We went on a long walk together while his sister, Claudia was in school.

This was taken in my neighborhood. One of the things I love about Puerto Rico are the colors of the island. The sky is SO blue and the trees SO green. You have to see with your own eyes to know what I mean.

I just love sitting in my backyard and looking at the bright green palm trees against the brilliance of the blue.

Not long ago we had mother bird make her nest in one of our palm trees. It was so neat watching the babies grow up. I got to see the mother teaching her babies how to fly. She led them all out on the palm branch and encouraged them to take flight.

That's what my mother did all my life, she taught and taught me so I could make it in this life.

Now she's gone and it's my turn to fly off and soar... taking all she taught me to help make my life count.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Thank you for the beautiful gift of life. Thank you for the wonderful mother you blessed me with. Help me to be a good mother to little Lorenzo and Claudia. Give me little bits of wisdom throughout my day to help develop what You created inside them. Love, Jennifer

Waiting Quietly

2009-02-04T00:00:00.004-04:00

Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him

Psalms 62:5

Have you ever been in a time of waiting? Waiting for the blessing of a child... waiting for a healing? Waiting to hear about a job?

That's where I am today, waiting to hear if I got a job that I interviewed for last week.

Times are tough and I need this job. I hate the unknown... I like to know what's going to happen and have a game plan.

But like always in life, certain things are out of my control. So I turn to Him and wait quietly. Knowing my hope is in Him, not in a job.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus,

I am confident in you. You know exactly what I need physically and spiritually. You know me inside and out and so I simply trust and wait on you. I promise you today to do my part and I can't wait to see what you hold in my future. Love, Jennifer

Grateful Today

2009-02-03T00:00:00.000-04:00

24 This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalms 118:24

This day was made by Him and oh how I rejoice in all He has given me!

It's amazing that three years ago when I cried out to Him for help to restore my marriage and keep my family together He saw this picture above! All the time He had me in His hands and He never left me. There were times that were scary and unknown but He brought me through!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Today I am grateful for a loving husband and father. Thank you for the love you put into my heart for this man. Jesus, use me today to show him your love. Love, Jennifer

Background color

2009-02-02T15:15:00.004-04:00

***UPDATE***

I'm frustrated about the color thing, I just can't get it to change! I'm thinking of changing the whole background to get a lighter color, maybe something in turquoise in honor of my mother... but I really like the faith, love, peace thing so I'll keep working on it!

I wanted to reply to the person who asked me about making the backgroud lighter, I'm going to play around and see if I can do that. Right now it doesn't allow me to do that because I'm using a the background from a certain website, please give me a few days to work on it! I certainly want it to be easy on the eyes!

My New Look

2009-02-01T08:18:00.004-04:00

I'm so excited about the new look my blog is taking. I haven't been happy with the look of this blog for a while but didn't know how to make changes. I thought about hiring someone to do a makeover on it. Finally I prayed and what do you know but I found a site that helped me re-do it all on my own!

Yea!

I've still got more work to do. I need to update the profile and I want to start adding pictures. I love reading blogs that are personal and have pictures.

I've worked on getting the print as dark as possible to make it easier on the eyes to read. If anyone has any comments or suggestions I would love to hear them.

I'm going to take this blog in a lighter, different direction. I've thought of starting another...but I love to journal about Him! So I'm keeping the title the same but my post topics will including more personal, family stuff going on in my life.

This morning the kids and I are off to church. Javier left early this morning for a bike race. Thankfully a friend picked him up since we are sharing a car right now. I was worried I wouldn't have a ride to church.

It's my turn to teach the preschool class! Yippe!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear Jesus, Please come into my day right now. I pray you will walk with me into the classroom and be by my side as I share about your amazing love. I pray you will send angels down to surround my children, especially Lorenzo. Give me special wisdom to lead the class while still wearing my mother "hat." Love, Jennifer

Blog Under Construction

2009-01-30T17:04:00.001-04:00

My blog will be undergoing some changes. Check back for a new look!

p.s. I hope I don't delete everything!

Her words

2009-01-05T14:42:00.004-04:00

I found the most beautiful card from my mom, it's not dated but I know it's several years old. It was tucked between some books I was reorganizing. It says:

Thank You,

Daughter,

for Giving Me

Happiness and Smiles

I was thinking about you and how much you mean to me and how I can't imagine my life without you. Daughter, you are a blessing that I'm forever thankful for. I love being with you, and every time we're apart there's a little part of me that stays with you.

It goes on but those words... a little part of me that stays with you, just reached out and grabbed my heart. It was as if she was saying to me "I'm still with you..."

I can't imagine my life without you...

I just want to tell her, "I can't believe I'm 30 and your gone from my life. I can't believe you died mom."

As I sit here sobbing I know what she would say to me, she would tell me to call out on Jesus for help.

Mom said to trust...

2009-01-01T11:34:00.002-04:00

I miss my mom so much.

Last night as I celebrated the New Year with my kids and hubby, I looked around and felt blessed. Blessed my children are healthy and happy.

But I also felt such a sense of loss. It really hit me again last night, how much I miss my mom. How much I loved her. I looked at her blog and past pictures and posts and just wanted to reach out and grab her through the computer. I felt like shaking her and saying YOU weren't supposed to die! You're supposed to be here laughing with us.

We are entering a new year without her. It hurts so much... words just don't describe the ache.

For a long time now I haven't read past posts from my mom's blog. All the posts after her surgery... I was with her during those times, busy living it out with her. I didn't want to take the time to sit at the computer when I could spend it with her. I knew it was all there for me to read later.

After she died, it was too painful to look at. It makes it more real that she's gone.

But now I'm starting to go back and read. Oh, to hear her voice through her writing!

When I visited her in March 2008 she gave me a word from the Lord. It was late at night after we spent hours sitting at her kitchen table talking. It would be our last meaningful face to face conversation before she died. The next time I saw her she was in hospice.

I wrote what she said down, she was too tired to write it for me and couldn't write very good anymore anyway. I sat down in her office, she beside me while she repeated what she felt was a word from the Lord to me. I folded the paper up and tucked it in my jewelery box when I got back home.

Now I'm facing a tough time in my personal life and I've pulled out that little note...

I promise I'll share what it says soon...

Just WHAT is she doing up there?

2008-12-09T08:21:00.003-04:00

I don't know why my mom was taken from us.

I don't know why she didn't live to 100 like we all thought she would. But I believe there IS a reason.

I like to imagine what she's doing up there, what that reason is. I think she's up in heaven writing.

Revelation 20:12 (New International Version)
12And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books.

When I found this verse I felt like it confirmed to me the reason why she was taken. The Bible clearly mentions books, then the book of life. It doesn't say (that I've found) who the author of all those books are. Our lives are being recorded in books and somebody has to write that.

Could it be that she's writing up there? Of course I really don't know, but something tells me she isn't just sitting up there on a cloud floating around. She wouldn't stand for that! She never sat and just did nothing! ha!

New Normal

2008-11-29T09:58:00.002-04:00

How long do you think it takes until something different because the new normal?

How long do you think it takes for the deep wound on a heart to turn into a thick red scar?

Shock.

When I wake and remember...she is gone, it seems crazy. Absolutely nuts.

She taught me about heaven and now she's experiencing it. Surreal.

I don't want this to be the new normal. I don't want the wound on my heart to heal and become thick. Toughened with time.

But time keeps passing...

We all have to go on and she keeps slipping father into heaven.

I keep thinking, why did she have to die? What are we supposed to learn from this? Why do we learn at such a high price?

God's answering that prayer!

2008-11-24T18:04:00.002-04:00

It didn't take long for God to answer my prayer below!

The Sunday after my prayer, I attended a birthday party with friends. I've waited years for the opportunity to share God's love with this particular group.

What do you know but the subject of faith just happened to come up and my God given moment was before me.

I'd like to say I opened my mouth and some spiritual gems just fell out and my friends listened on in amazement.

But the truth is, I started to sweat and breathe funny, my mind went blank and I wondered if I was going to blow it.

All I could think of was how real God is to me, how personal and sweet. A constant, ready help in times of need.

This one guy was doubting the validity of the Bible and I asked him "do you want to know how I know that God is real?" He eagerly responded, "please tell me, I'd love to believe."

I shared with him how God is a personal God who meets our individual and unique needs. I shared how my mother had just died of a brain tumor and with God's help she died with amazing peace and grace. Something that without Him would have been impossible.

I didn't get the guy's response as we were interrupted and the moment passed. Someone else could have responded so much better, but with me God works on a basic level and all I can do is share what He means to me.

I wish everyone could experience just a drop of His love. I promise if they'd only get a taste, they would never forget it or able to escape that kind of love.

Cutting the cord

2008-11-18T11:41:00.002-04:00

Sunday my pastor used an illistration in his sermon, once he was in a hot air ballon and the pilot let him try lift off.

He pulled the cord...

Nothing happened.

Pulled it again...

Still no lift off.

With laughter the pilot informed him he forgot to release the cord holding them down.

The great question was, "What is holding you down?"

"What's keeping you tied down in your walk with the Lord?"

Is it your job? Your husband? Your wife? Your kids?

What's keeping you from soaring?

I heard the pastor say, "Some of you are wonderful Christian's. You know Jesus. He's your Savior, your friend and He means a lot to you. But some of you will never reach all that He has for you, because you are tied down."

I had one of those unique moments when every sense sharpens, everything unimportant dims and you know, you just KNOW the Lord is speaking to you. Your heart races, your breath quickens, you strain to "catch it." You know it's a life defining moment you really don't want to miss.

For weeks my heart has been searching, wondering... why am I tied down?

In my corner of the World it's very dark. Most times the light in me, trying so desperately to get out is the ONLY light.

My life is THE mission field.

Daily I walk alone with my Savior.

I have no partner to pray with, no friend to hold hands and pray with.

It's just Jesus and Jennifer.

At times it's fear holding me down. Fear is binding and crippling.

Sometimes it's approval seeking that ties me down.

My mom often told me how God has put me in a unique situation to be a witness, a light to a lost and dark world.

With tears rolling down my face I prayed for helping cutting that cord.

I prayed for unique God given opportunities to speak the truth to a dark and lost world.

A world that is desperately and tightly holding it's hands over stubborn deaf ears.

An Atheist Reaps God's Blessing!

2008-09-22T15:10:00.004-04:00

I'm shouting to my roof tops, can you hear me?

The heavens are rejoicing that our God is faithful and true!

Do you remember back in February when I prayed asking God to bless me so I could have money to give to my church? Do you remember how God answered that prayer and my husband made some money in a trade and in turn wrote out a check to my church? Checkout this link and read the bottom post titled: An Atheist Puts Faith Into Action: http://its-all-about-him.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html

In February I told my husband God loved him and wanted to bless him and this was only the beginning! I told my husband to just wait and see what God was going to do for him!

My heart is bursting from joy at seeing this prayer answered!

God has caused a turn of events at my husband's job and the blessings are pouring down on my husband. While I'm so thankful this is providing our family the opportunity to move into a house with a pool, it's not even this extra blessing that is making me sing!

It is seeing my husband's faith work out! It is in knowing God wants my husband, is calling to him, is loving on him! WOW! What an AWESOME GOD who loves us SO much!

Before my mom died, I asked her that when she got to heaven to please ask God to have unusual mercy on my husband.

I know she did and I know God is showing my husband His wonderful love and mercy!

Now my desire is to give again! Let's see what my husband says about that! Will he close his fist or will he open it once again! Stay tuned!

A day of tears

2008-09-03T08:20:00.002-04:00

Yesterday my mother-in-law kept Lorenzo, my 2 year old for the morning.

Claudia was in school.

Mommy was at home falling apart.

I rarely have time for tears. I'm busy being the mommy to two small children.

But yesterday I just sat and wept and relived the summer.

Memories...

I miss my mom so much...

Last night after Claudia's bath, with dripping wet hair, she started sobbing. Break your heart sobs.

With alarm I asked her what was wrong, between big gulps she squeaked out, "I want my nana."

I gathered her in my arms to comfort us both and asked her why she wanted nana.

"I want nana to color with me and paint with me."

A sadness seeped deep in my heart, a knowledge that nana will never again paint or color with Claudia. Something so simple, yet so important.

I tried my best to comfort her and promised I would paint with her today.

Today I have a date with Claudia to paint.

She came to me!

2008-08-27T09:53:00.002-04:00

My mom came to me! In my dreams that is!

I remember after my grandma died, my mom told me she'd pray God would give her dreams of her mother. And He did. She had many wonderful dreams of my grandma.

I've been praying the same thing, asking God to give me sweet dreams of my mom.

Last night my prayer was answered!

I dreamed I was at my aunt Becky's house and all the family was there. I was down stairs and looked up to see my mom coming down the stairs toward me. We embraced tightly in a long hug. The embrace felt so real, it was so sweet, so warm, so deep...

She pulled back from me and said, "let me see my ring." She took my right hand and held it in hers looking at her wedding ring that I now constantly wear.

I asked her "mom, are you sad that you no longer wear this ring? That you're no longer with us?"

With tears of joy streaming down her face she responded, "no, I'm so proud of you and feel blessed you now wear my ring and carry on."

In my dream I told her, "well mom, one day I'm going to put down your ring and join you in heaven." She was nodding her head saying, "when you put the ring down is when we'll see each other again."

I woke up with tears on my cheeks and my pillow damp.

Immediately I praised my Lord for this wonderful dream! What a loving, caring heavenly Father I have! He is worthy of all praise and glory.

I believe this dream is an answer to prayer.

Yesterday was a very tough day for me. Darkness clouded my heart, a shadow swept over my mind and loneliness crept in, cold and ugly.

I picked up the sword of Truth and quoted Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I fixed my mind on what is true- I'm a child of the most High King, on what is lovely-one day I'll be walking in heaven with my loved ones, and on what is excellent and praiseworthy-my God is a great God and worthy of all praise and honor.

Light pierced my dark mood and peace and joy took it's place.

Traffic and pocket Bibles

2008-08-26T08:22:00.004-04:00

Every morning Claudia, my 4 year old has to be at school at 7:30am. She started pre-k which apparently is the new kindergarten. She has homework everyday and is quickly picking up Spanish as that is the language spoken at her school.

We live about 4 minutes away from her school with no traffic. But traffic here in the mornings is HORRIBLE, it takes me 50 minutes round trip. Most of that traffic is standstill. There are so many cars, so many people, so many schools in such a small area. You just have to patiently wait your turn to creep up slowly to the school and then scoot your child quickly out the car door. And be very careful not to hit your side mirrors with other passing cars as you twist and turn your car to fit through too narrow streets, lined with illegally parked cars.

I don't like wasted time, so I take a small New Testament pocket Bible with me and read and pray the Psalms as I sit and inch my car along.

The other day I pulled my pocket Bible out of the glove box and looked at the cover. A picture of Jesus sitting on a mountain side preaching looks back at me. I remember when I got that Bible! My mother took me to a Christian book store and let me pick out whatever I wanted. She loved to buy me Christian reading material, she said it was a good investment.

That day I picked the pocket Bible and took it with me on our Orlando vacation. Early mornings sitting on the balcony I would read, then later share with my mom that great finds I came across.

While sitting in the car the other day reading, it dawned on me that almost every single Bible I own was bought by my mom. All different sizes, covers, translations, and study Bibles.

The loss of my mom has left a gaping hole in my heart. I ache, I miss her, tears don't do justice to the pain. But while looking at that pocket Bible, I realized my mom gave me something that can never be taken away from me, never lost, never die and slowly it's filling up that gaping hole. It's the living Word of God!

Wow! What an investment she made! One that will pay off big time! It's as if she always knew I'd need all those Bibles. While she isn't here to guide me in my adulthood, she gave me something that can!

The wisdom of a child

2008-08-17T08:40:00.003-04:00

Javier and I rode in silence down the road. It had been a long day and riding in the dark in silence was a comfort.

A huge plane broke the night sky and flew overhead, heading to the nearby airport.

Claudia excited sings out "oh, look a plane! Look Lorenzo a big, big plane!"

Claudia, ever eager to chat tells Lorenzo "I remember going on a plane to nana and papa's house!"

In the nonchalant way only a child can speak she continues, "But nana's dead now."

Lorenzo picks up on this and chants "Nana's dead, nana's dead, nana's dead."

"Look, Clau-ya!" He says, his two year version of Claudia's name.

"Nana dead like this." He rolls his head back against the cushion of the carseat, eyes closed, jaw slack, mouth open wide.

Claudia ready to impart her wisdom as the older sister, puts her hands up in the air as if to say hold it and with breathless excitement exclaims "oh, oh, oh, I know, I know!" "Lorenzo, Nana is in heaven now! She's not dead. She's in heaven with God and her heart."

For a rare moment everyone in the car is quiet, reflecting...

Something new dawns on Claudia and she asks "Mommy, how did nana get to heaven?"

I sit there trying to quickly come up with the best answer, knowing my atheist husband is also listening. What pressure! In my quick pause, Javier throws in "she took a plane!"

Before I could even think, I head the words coming out of my mouth, "No, Claudia. Jesus came down and took nana up to heaven with Him."

The beauty and truth of that simple statement daily wraps it's arms around me and comforts me.

I look forward to the moment when I share with Claudia in detail how nana went from papa's arms to the arm's of Jesus. That sacred, holy moment when nana let go of this world, of papa's hands and grabbed hold of her Savior's.

37 years

2008-08-14T20:36:00.003-04:00

37 years is a long time. Today, August 14th would have marked 37 years of marriage for my parents.

To say "would have marked" is very hard for me type. I still find it unbelievable she is gone...

Don't you?

Before my mother got really sick she sat my sister and I down and went through her jewelry. While it was incrediable difficult, I'm so glad she thought to do this with us. It means the world to me to know she wanted me to have some of her pieces.

For me, she gave her wedding ring. What an incredible honor. I wear it daily on my right hand, only taking it off at night. My dad let me take it back home with me and I'll be forever grateful.

I'll never forget after I put it on my finger and showed him, he looked at me with such pride and love shinning in his eyes and said "I'm so proud and honored for you to wear it." That meant more to me than I can ever express. I'll never forget the look of love and pride my dad had for me in that moment. I feel sure my mom was looking on in pride at him! In that moment I felt her legacy being passed on to me.

Her wedding ring that I now wear is a symbol of undying love, faithfulness, and commitment. It stands for 37 years of what I pray to be.

It is a constant reminder that love is a commitment. That marriage CAN work! 37 years ago my mother made a vow to love my dad unto death, and boy did she ever! Like wise my dad made a vow to love unto death and I've never seen a person do that like my dad did. He never left my mom or gave up on her. In a time and world where people are giving up like crazy, my dad never failed to love her or be there for her. He was her hero and he lived up to that word in every sense.

When I wear her ever familar ring, I feel like a piece of her is with me. When I soap Claudia's hair, I'm reminded she wore this ring when she soaped my hair as a child. When I make her famous meat balls, I'm reminded she wore this ring when she made meat balls for us. I think of the people this ring has touched while praying for those in need. I think of the hundreds of task she did all while wearing this ring. There's a lot of history, a lot of legacy, a lot to live for and a lot to live up too.

In a hard to describe way I feel her with me, helping me, encouraging me, cheering me on. I don't feel like the same mother or wife anymore. Everything has softened and there is a peace about me. Even those around me have commented saying there is a glow about me, something different.

I close for now saying thank you for support and prayers. I know many haved emailed me or sent cards and I want to say that it means the world and has held me up when I felt like falling down.

God speaks to a child

2008-08-07T09:54:00.003-04:00

Last night I was reading a Children's Bible my mom bought Claudia before she got sick.

We just finished reading My Little Ponny and Claudia picked out her Bible and opened up to the Parable of the Pearl (Matthew 13:45-46.) I was amazed this story was the one she picked and felt it was God speaking to us through his Word. In bold letters the story topic read: Heaven is more wonderful than anything on earth. We should let nothing on earth keep us from heaven. I will thank God for making heaven for me!

The next story she picked was the parable of the net (Matthew 13:47-50.) In bold the topic read: All Christians will go to heaven. Heaven is a wonderful place. I love God. I will go to heaven!

Two stories on the topic of heaven, direct from the Word, written so children can understand and see pictures and from the very Bible my mother picked out for Claudia!

Heaven has been a hot topic for Claudia lately. She's fascinated with it and trying with her little mind to understand.

We talk often how nana is in heaven. Nana had her birthday party in heaven with Jesus (August 2nd) and we pray every night for nana. We pray: "Dear Jesus, Thank you for this day. God bless nana in heaven." We've always prayed for our family each night and after nana died, there was a giant hole in our prayers. How could not pray for nana? God put it into my heart that we can pray for her, for her blessings in heaven with Him!

Claudia's hit me with some hard questions. After the funeral we went to the grave. Julie and the four kids and I walked up to a fresh mound of dirt, with beautiful white roses on top. Tons of flowers surrounded.

Claudia said: "mommy is nana in that dirt?" I swallowed hard and had to say, "yes, honey she is." I'll never forget the look on her face. She couldn't believe her sweet nana was down there. With pouting lips and tears in her eyes she shouted "NO FAIR!"

She's later asked me how can nana be in heaven if she's in that ground? I've explained that nana's heart is in heaven. The part that makes nana who she is, is with God. She asks all the time if we can go there. Last night in her prayers she said: "Dear God, bless nana's heart and please bring her back to us."

These are hard times but God is good through it all! I can already see a major blessing from all this pain. Heaven is now a much talked about subject in our house! That is not a small thing, living with an atheist! Now there is a Holiness, a reverence that even Javier can feel!

She's gone

2008-07-30T22:29:00.002-04:00

My mom passed away peacefully in her home Monday July 21, 2008 at 6:42pm.

I wasn't with her when died. I arrived about an hour and a half later...

For two months I'd been with her, daily watching for any slight sign of change. I studied all the Hospice materials, peppered each nurse that arrived with questions, read countless online accounts... all so I could try and time it and be there when she passed.

I was in the car on I-95 heading as fast as I could to her when dad called. This was a call I didn't want to take... didn't want to hear. His words to me were "Jennifer, you mother is healed. She's in heaven." And like that she was gone.

When I arrived back at the house after she passed, dear friends and family were there. They kindly took care of my children so I could immediately go to my mom.

I went to her bed and sat beside her and put her arm around me and wept. It's hard to described that moment with my mother. I knew my mother was in heaven, her spirit still very much alive and not dead like the shell before me. But I moaned and wept and grieved anyway, with her arm around me and kissed and smelled her sweet dove soap scent. It only made sense to me that my mother should comfort me during the worst moment of my life.

I finally said goodbye to my mother. Trust me, I haven't lost my faith! I KNOW I'll see my mother again in heaven one day. But if makes sense I was saying goodbye to the woman who birthed me. The mother who held me and cared for me, nurtured and guided me. Even though I know I'll see her again, I know I'll never have that experience again and I had to say goodbye to that...

I feel a supernatural peace over the fact I wasn't with her when she died. I know it's supernatural because I REALLY wanted to be there, I spent two months away from my husband so I wouldn't miss the moment. Yet I missed it by less than two hours.

Matthew 6:8 reads "...for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him."

You see God KNEW exactly what I needed! I believe it wasn't meant for me to be there when she crossed over for several reasons. Yet he allowed me those precious private moments of saying goodbye.

My heart is full of so much more to say but I'll save that for later. I know that despite whatever comes my way our God is a great God. A wonderful, beautiful, loving, caring, amazing merciful God!

I'm with my mom!

2008-06-11T16:26:00.002-04:00

I made it to Jacksonville! I'm staying in my parent's home and visiting with my mom!

My sister and I arrived last Wednesday and have spent a week by my mom's bedside.

It was a shock seeing mom, she was unresponsive that first day and we couldn't wake her. It's one thing to hear how your loved one will get sleeper and sleeper and then slip away, but it's another thing to be standing over your loved one calling out "Mom! Mom!" and get no response.

She's since had moments where she's awake and alert and knows who we are and tells us she loves us. My heart longs for her to get up... I feel like I've cried a thousand tears. I miss my mom SO much. It breaks my heart knowing she's in her room, helpless in a hospital bed.

One night I was crying, the pain so real I didn't think I could get a hold of myself so I pulled her big Bible off the shelf and decided to turn to those pages for help. She had a green post-it note marking this passage:

Psalms 103:1-5

Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

So I did just that, I started praising His Holy name and joy and peace came all over me!

There have been many hard moments through all of this but when I praise Him it all fades away...

This morning I climbed in bed with my mom and held her hand and sang with worship music playing in her room. Together we praised our sweet Jesus, I kept thinking how all her life she's loved and lived for Jesus and soon she'll meet Him face to face.

A shoebox full of letters

2008-05-27T23:45:00.005-04:00

Tonight I came upon a shoebox full of forgotten letters and cards, most of them from my mother. What a blessing to stumble across these letters! When I first moved to Puerto Rico, I didn't have a computer so our correspondence came through the mail.

I spent an hour pouring over my mother's words. Her voice jumping out at me. Tears of joy from laughing, remember the good times. Tears of pain knowing she'll soon be gone. In many ways she's already gone, no more letters, no more cards.

Soon I'll have to post some of her words...

Tomorrow the kids and I leave for Florida. We're headed for Tampa for now. I'm hoping to soon head up to Jacksonville. I'm trying to do what's best for my mom, and having two young children running around might not be best for her confusion. I want desperately to be nearby so I bought one way tickets and will at least be only a car ride away from her. I will be there until the end waiting... It's been hard being away and only seeing her through her blog. I long to lay beside her on the bed and hold her hand.

Claudia broke her arm last Thursday. I thank God it wasn't worse. She's going to mend and be just fine! Although I cried all the way home from the ER, realizing I should be calling my mom and telling her all about it. I thought to myself, "well I guess this is how it's going to be from now on, good or bad I'll never be able to share things again with my mother." You know, sometimes a person just wants their momma!

I'm not sure how often I'll be blogging, my sister doesn't have internet so it will be at least a few weeks...

God bless you all out there. Don't forget to tell your loved ones how much you love and appreciate them, don't wait! In a blink it could all be gone.

"What kind of God..."

2008-05-13T09:01:00.004-04:00

"Allows brain cancer to happen to a person who has lived all their life serving, loving and living for God?"

"What kind of God allows such tragic things to happen?"

These were questions recently posed to me...

With great confidence my answer was...

"An omnificent God who sees the bigger picture. An all knowing God who knows exactly what each and every one of us needs in this journey called life."

God has a plan for my mom, He knows exactly what she needs. The same is true for all of us.

Deuteronomy 30:19 says... "I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live..."

The fact is we have a choice set before us. There is abundant life in Christ and unique blessing in the Word of God.

I choose life. I choose to turn to God and obey Him, follow Him.

Maybe there is someone out there facing a hard time, questioning how God can allow such bad, painful things to happen. I believe God knows exactly what you need and will provide for you. It might not be easy but choose life with me, choose the blessing.

The sweetest voice ever!

2008-05-12T10:36:00.006-04:00

Last night I talked to my mom!

She's been so weak, not eating or drinking and barely able to whisper but she had a little rally yesterday.

My dad put the phone to her ear and in a clear voice she said, "Hey Jennifer!" I wish you could hear how she sounded. So gentle and sweet! I thought I would never hear her voice again, I can't tell you how good it felt to hear her.

I did most of the talking as she's so weak that she can't form her words clearly. She gets tired quickly. At one point she wanted to pray for me, like she always has but she just couldn't. So I took over and prayed for us. I called upon our sweet Savior, Jesus for peace and comfort.

I felt His presence with us both. Even though I couldn't touch her, I felt such peace and comfort from Jesus that it was as if I was giving her a hug.

A little bit later I was talking to my dad and mom whispered out, "I feel splendid."

We are living out the truth that even though hard times come, Jesus comes in such a surprising sweet way. His peace so real that at times I feel wrapped in His arms.

I'll see you soon

2008-05-10T10:03:00.004-04:00

I've said before I'm not going to tell my mom goodbye.

With mom, I don't believe in goodbyes.

I don't understand why she has to leave this earth so early, I think we all thought she'd make it into her 90's. Not unusual for our family. However in the big scheme of it all I believe we are a breath away right behind behind her.

I left on Thursday and before leaving I wanted to let her know I was heading back home to Puerto Rico, to my son and husband.

I arrived at Hospice very early and sat by her bed watching the clock tick down the hours and minutes, knowing soon we'd be separated.

An hour before I left it was just the two of us in the room. She was sleeping peaceful and I sat by her bed, holding her hand and looking at her. It was a sweet moment, I prayed over her and committed her to Jesus. I told Him I gave her over to His care and trusted Him completely with this precious treasure whom I'm blessed to call my mother.

Before I left I held her close and told her I was leaving. She was alert and looked deep into my eyes and understood what I said. Her first concern was Lorenzo, my two year old. "Poor Lorenzo, he's been away from us for so long." She said.

We hugged and she held me tight and kissed me over and over saying "I love you." I pulled back, looked into her beautiful green eyes and told her I'd see her soon.

As I turned away she whispered "Be at peace." I turned back saying "mom, I'm at peace and you be at peace too. Everything was going to be ok."

I walked away looking back over my shoulder and our eyes locked.

Something that has happened only one other time after her surgery occurred. It's hard to describe but it's as if our souls were communicating without words, we were connected. Our hearts speaking to each other. In my heart I felt her comforting me and I heard "this isn't goodbye, we will see each other soon."

It was a mother and daughter knowing the time had come to be separated, not wanting to say goodbye. In that moment it was as if we both knew we'd always be connected, death can't sever us and soon we will meet again.

Leaving

2008-05-07T22:37:00.002-04:00

I'm leaving tomorrow with Claudia to return back home. My two year needs me and it's time to return to him and my husband.

My mom is doing better... if that's the word to use. She's eating, responsive and Hospice is sending her home tomorrow.

It breaks my heart to leave her. I can hardly bare it. I want to be with her when she arrives home. I want to help with her daily care.

As the day wore on it really started pressing on me that I would be leaving her tomorrow.

I sat close to her bed and held her hand, just staring at her as she rested. Then I climbed up into bed next to her and held her hand. Tears started slipping down my face as I caressed her soft hand.

I couldn't stop the tears from falling as I thought about my sweet mother, the woman who gave me life would soon be making the transition to eternal life.

I was on her left side and she turned and looked me in the face and when she saw me crying, her sweet face instantly became full of concern and she started crying. She can't bare the thought of those she loves in pain.

Instantly I felt terrible for making her cry, I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for upsetting her. I've hardly shed a tear the whole time I've been here. What good are tears? A million tears won't change a thing... Right now she needs to see and know her family is going to be ok.

I quickly dried my tears and tried to cheer her up. Thankfully the sad moment for her passed...

When I could I slipped away by myself outside. Hospice has beautiful grounds. I wandered through a garden to a far away bench by a small body of water and I cried and cried. I sobbed until I got it all out, mad at myself that I lost control and she saw my tears.

After a while I washed my face and put eye drops in and went back to her... I held her hand again, trying to breathe in her sweetness.

Immediatly, she asked if I was ok and with a calm steady voice I told her what I believe with all my heart: "Everything is going to be ok! God told me that from the beginning! Even though we don't understand, we know that He is with us and won't ever leave us!"

I really do believe that. I don't understand how everything is going to be ok, but I hear Him loud and clear saying that.

The Wednesday night my mom called told me the news of her brain tumor, that night while in bed I felt the Lord whisper into my heart that my mom was going to die but it was going to be ok! I even told my atheist husband that. I told him I don't understand it but God is telling me, it's going to be ok.

Right now I'm angry, I'm hurting but I'm going to believe His word and I'm going to trust Him!

Seeing the inside of Hospice

2008-05-04T22:20:00.004-04:00

Claudia and I arrived to Jacksonville, Florida Friday afternoon to visit with my mother who has terminal brain cancer.

We drove straight to Community Hospice Center where my mother has been since Thursday night. It's a beautiful place, the outside looks more like a large, fancy home than a place where people...

Well, you know...face death.

The inside looks like a nice hotel. I'm glad my mother is a beautiful place with the best of care. I've never seen doctors and nurses so caring and loving. Her doctor is a Christian!

My mother has taken quick downward turns.

We will know more tomorrow morning.

Today she slept 22 hours, more or less.

She is completely at peace, happy and briefly opens her eyes to say "I love you's" to those around her. Last night her last words before falling asleep for the night where "What a good day. God has been so good to me, I'm so blessed."

I got to spend the night with her Friday and Saturday night. I helped take care of her with the little I could. I put makeup on her and applied chapstick when her lips got dry. It's amazing how these little things have meant the world to me.

The only way I'm able to face this is with Jesus holding my hand. I feel His presence and peace. The thing I feel most from Him right now is His amazing strength.

Thursday night after I last blogged I was crying and feeling so sad and all the sudden I felt the REAL presence of Jesus...I felt Him crying with me and I felt the presence of guardian angels.

It was the most amazing feeling to be utterly alone in the lowest point I've ever felt and suddenly find that I wasn't alone... Jesus was with me and He was crying and grieving with me! From that moment on I've felt strength around me and I've done things and dealt with things in a manner I never thought I could.

Jesus continues to awe and amaze me. You know, I never expected He would cry and greive with me... I kind of thought He was above that, you know? I mean He is God after all.

But I shouldn't be so surprised, that IS what I love so much about Him. He knows me better than I know myself. He's my best friend and He's real.

What your prayers feel like...

2008-05-01T21:37:00.002-04:00

I've been told over and over how I'm being prayed for... I'm sure it's a few hundred praying for me specifically.

Do you know what your prayers feel like? Like a wave of sweet, quiet peace.

My dad called tonight not too long ago and said they'd taken my mom to urgent care hospice. They are trying to get her nausea and vomiting under control.

As soon as heard his voice on the phone, I knew he was about to say something of importance and I braced myself to hear something bad. I dread the moment I hear she's had a seizure or has gone into a coma...

I know you are praying for me because I can feel a peace surround and quiet me. To be honest I'm not too happy with God right now, but regardless of my feelings I'm going to trust Him and His Word.

One of the hardest things about all this are the kids... Alexander, Nicholas, Claudia and Lorenzo. Those are their names and Nanna means the world to these kids...

My poor sister is struggling with when and what to tell Alex and Nic. It makes my heart break into more pieces thinking about how this will affect especially those two boys.

But I'll tell you, the Lord spoke into my heart and said they are going to make it! Nanna might be leaving this world but Jesus isn't and He's going to stick by us and those kids and see them through.

There are no words to explain or describe the peace that only God can give. When things don't make sense...He gives peace...When times get too tough...He gives peace

I really don't understand why this is happening, but in the end it doesn't matter...I'm determined to follow His love even when it's so dark right now that I can't see but a foot in front of me... I can't yet see the big picture.

I leave tomorrow morning with Claudia for the states. I pray for God's mercy and my biggest hope for this trip is that Claudia gets to sing with her Nanna one last time.

Tonight Claudia prayed this with me: Dear Jesus, Please touch Nanna. Please be with Nanna and help her feel better. Take away her tummy sickness in Jesus name. Amen.

Now I ask, how can He deny the faith of a child?

Come home soon

2008-04-30T17:18:00.002-04:00

That's the call I got last night from my mom.

We've talked several times about me going up again for a visit, but nothing finialized.

Last night she called and said to come soon...

She's losing feeling in her lower limbs...

Oh God...

I've booked the trip and will be leaving On Friday, May 2nd for a week.

I'm taking Claudia and leaving Lorenzo home with my husband.

I'm praying for one last chance to make memories and spend some quality time with my mom.

I can't believe this is happening, I wonder when the shock will wear off.

She gives me courage!

2008-04-22T21:26:00.004-04:00

I haven't had the heart to blog much lately. I'm so sorry I haven't updated, despite comments questioning how I'm doing.

I'm sure most who read my blog know my mother has terminal brain cancer and probably read her site too and therefore have seen her message on youtube. But in case you haven't seen it here is a link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YT-QJr-BK-A

I sobbed after seeing it. What a woman of faith and courage! There she is, facing terminal brain cancer and the woman is a faith warrior!

I talk to her up to 3 times a day and I've never heard her complain, doubt or question.

Her faith will not wavier, can't be shaken and will not die!

I know her well enough to know what her secret is! She's in love with her Savior, Jesus and they walk side by side. Her dewelling place is in the vine and man is she rooted in deep!

I don't know about you, but I want that! Seeing her life makes me even more hungry for Jesus! To be so in love with your Savior that He holds you tenderly. Helping you through the worst most possible moments of your life turning them into joy!

That's what Jesus can do for you, for me and what He's doing for her.

I've been having a tough time accepting my mom's cancer. There have been lots and lots of tears lately. I guess I could sum it up by saying I don't want to accept her cancer, I'm not happy about it and I honestly don't feel like turning to God for help to get me through this tough time.

I guess God knew even two thousand years ago I'd need Jesus. There's one person right now I can't turn away from and that's Jesus. He knows me better than myself. He knows about pain, suffering and death. He see's my tears, feels my heart break and knows my plight. He's taken up my cause and He will not let me go!

All I know to do is call out to Jesus and seek Him. Apart from Him there is nothing for me.

April showers bring May flowers?

2008-03-28T08:03:00.002-04:00

Psalms 84:6 NLT When they walk through the Valley of Weeping,
it will become a place of refreshing springs.
The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings.

When I opened my email today I received this verse in a daily devotional.

What hope I find when I turn to the Word!

This verse to me says: "Jennifer, when I lead you through tough times I will be with you. Helping you through even when you can't see your way. All the weeping and pain, I will turn into pools of blessings!"

I'm not going to say goodbye

2008-03-19T08:00:00.003-04:00

God is so awesome, so good to me!

I just spend a wonderful week with my mother. The kids and I got to spend quality time with her. I know this time was a gift from God. He's so good to us!

My mom seemed almost her old self. She played with the kids, bathed them, fed them, read to them, painted with them, sang to them.

My dad took the kids to zoo one day so I could have some alone time with my mom. We sat around her kitchen table and talked and talked... things a mother and daughter who are best friends can talk about. I'll never forget her advice and words of wisdom. I wrote down some of what she said and I know I'll pull strength from her words. She quoted scripture, we prayed together, we praised God together.

To be honest I was a little nervous about this trip. Afraid how I would react to her. Would I cry at odd times? Could I hold myself together? Would it be painful seeing her, all the while knowing this could be the last time we... eat at Red Lobster together, go to Starbucks, attend church and worship side by side.

Would this be the last time I saw her smile, read to the kids and best of all give me advice? When I was a teen her constant advice annoyed me, but she never gave up. She tucked little gems into my heart that I now use as a mother, wife, friend, and Christian.

Sometime during the trip I felt the Lord speak to me. He whispered into my heart, "this isn't goodbye." I understand now what He meant when He spoke to me in November and I felt Him say "it's going to be ok." I didn't know then what that meant, how can my mom dying be ok?

The Lord has impressed upon my heart to keep my eyes, heart and desires on heaven. This is how I am going to get through this.

I'm not going to say goodbye to my mother, ever. For whatever reason she's being called home early, leaving us behind. Now is my time to respond to the call God had put inside my heart and continue to become the woman of faith He made me to be.

It's going to be ok because death is not the end. It's a temporary seperation. As long as I keep my eyes on heaven, the pain and fear fade away and joy creeps in! Then I think of my sweet Savior. I picture His face and call out His name and I feel such love and peace. It's hard to describe.

I'm not going to run from my pain. I'm not going to hide from it and I'm not going to be afraid. I'm facing it side by side with Jesus and with Him it's not hard!

Fight for your Faith

2008-03-01T09:27:00.003-04:00

I'm in a fight for my Faith.

I wonder how many people feel this way?

So far in my walk with Christ, I haven't felt like I'm coasting through.

I'm at a point where I could go either way. Ever feel like that?

I'll be honest and say sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Following Christ.

Don't get me wrong, walking with Christ is amazing and at times thrilling. But sometimes this old world pulls me down and I feel beat up.

Sometimes I don't feel like "rejoicing in my suffering" as Paul calls us to do. Sometimes I feel like numbing my suffering.

Sometimes it all seems like too much, the pain...

And then...

What I think is the most important verse in the Bible is whispered into my heart: 1 Corinthians 13:8 Love never fails

I've been pondering over this verse for days and I realize what draws me to God is His love. It's that simple, nothing more and nothing less. I'm convinced if it were anything else I would surely have fallen to the wayside by now. He's got me hooked with His love.

What keeps me hanging on is His love. Then you know what I found?

Romans 8:38-39 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Circumstance can't separate me from His love. Pain can't separate me, depression can't, fear can't, this world can't.

And so I fight for my faith with Christ as my intercessor. I cry out to Jesus and pour out my problems. I'm fighting because I'm not going to let my own neglect to remain Christ be the thing that separates me from God's love.

Where are you today? I call you to FIGHT for what is yours! Don't let the thief who comes only to steal, kill and destroy take from you what is YOURS!

My heartfelt prayer; Dear Jesus, It really is all about you! I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'm hurting... I don't want my mom to die. I want her to live. Dear Jesus, I'm hurting... I'm drowning and you need to throw me a life line! I trust you and I put it all back into your hands. Be with me today and everyday. I invite you into my day, may I feel your sweetness as we walk side by side.

Rainbows

2008-02-20T09:33:00.002-04:00

It seems that God just won't let me forget what He's promised me.

Just recently I've seen maybe four or five rainbows. That's very unusual to me.

The other day I was feeling down and looked out my kitchen window. There before me was the biggest rainbow I've ever seen. Just beautiful! It was like God reaching down and gently reminding me what He promised from the very beginning of this cancer journey with my mom. He promised He would never leave me. No matter what happened, He would be there.

Some days I don't feel like praying. Some days I don't feel like doing anything. But even then He doesn't leave me.

I'm learning that God is even more amazing than I ever thought, and I had a pretty high opinion of Him before.

It's pretty amazing that when I'm at my lowest, He reaches down and just loves on me. At times I can feel myself being held by Him.

An honest question with a pure heart

2008-02-11T09:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Jesus,
Why does my mom have to die now? Why does my mom have rare brain cancer? Why does such a bright, loved, wonderful, needed person have to die so young?

Dear Jesus,
This hurts so much. I wake in the night and can't sleep. It hits me all over again. My mother has cancer and is going to die. My throat gets tight, burns and I feel sick to my stomach.

Dear Jesus,
Yesterday my four year old, Claudia, said to me "mommy, I don't want my Nanna to die. I LOVE Nanna and she loves me too."

Dear Jesus,
Do you hear that? Claudia doesn't want her Nanna to die, she loves her and Nanna loves Claudia. They have a very special bond. Claudia is her only granddaughter.

Dear Jesus,
Why don't you heal my mom? Right now? Just go and heal her. I know you can do it, so why don't you? You gave me my mother, you know how close we are. You know what she means to me and to our family. Why? Why now?

Dear Jesus,
I know you can't answer my questions right now. I don't really expect answers. But by asking you these tough questions I am telling you how much this hurts and I give the problem to you. You can take the pain, the fear, the doubts, the hurt. I feel your compassion and your love for me and I trust you completely. Your love and peace is so good that I will follow you even when you lead me into the shadow of death with my best friend, my mother.

Love, Jennifer

Vistors from Friendly Atheist:

2008-02-06T11:16:00.000-04:00

I am amazed anyone from from Friendly Atheist would be interested in my story. Due to some recent comments I felt the need to post directly to these new readers.

My mother has a glioblastoma multimforme brain tumor. Stage 4 terminal cancer, given 6-9-12 months to live. I ask that you don't come on here and call me names. I receive immense peace from my faith during this terrible time and I don't see any harm in that. I respect everyone has a right to their own beliefs, I'm not interested in converting you. In fact despite what you may think my goal isn't even to convert my husband.

This blog is from MY point of view. How I see things. I've never quoted my husband wrong or lied. He did say (almost 3 years ago) he would divorce me if continued going to church, but I asked him not to do that and like I said our marriage has been restored. I believe due to prayer and devine intervention. I've not added all conversations of what he's said, it would simply be too long.

My husband does NOT define himself as an atheist. He simply says he doesn't believe in ANY God. When you die it's like you go to sleep forever. Beyond that he doesn't know or care to know. I use the term atheist because to me that defines someone who does not believe in God or a God or a higher power.

I just asked my husband if he believed that trade came from God. His words were "I think it was skill and coincidence." His exact words.

Today is my 10th wedding aniversary and we are happily married, he knows about my blog. He knew my parents were ministers when we married but I was away from my faith (not an atheist) so religion and issues of faith were not an issue.

I am very open regarding my faith because I feel I have nothing to hide. We all have what I believe is a God given right to believe whatever we want.

An atheist puts faith into action!

2008-02-03T13:57:00.000-04:00

Guess what God has gone and done now?

You'll never guess!

Two weeks ago I requested offering envelopes from my church. Each person is assigned a number and they give you a box of envelopes with your number and predated for each Sunday.

I had it in my heart to give something to my church. I've never been able to give much over the years, just a $20 in the offering plate here or there. My atheist husband almost divorced me over attending church, no way would he allow me to give money to church. Instead I've given my time, helping with the Ladies Bible study. Teaching Sunday school.

But God put a desire in my heart to give some money. I took that thick box of envelopes and looked down at it and said to myself "what am I going to do with these? I have no money to give." Instead I gave my desire to God. I prayed: "God, You see my heart but know I have nothing. So You are going to have to work a miracle and give me some money so I can give. And not only that but You're going to have to get my husband to give me his blessing, because I won't give behind his back."

I left it at that and didn't worry. I put all the pressure on God, knowing there was no way I could do all that. Only Him.

A week later my husband, a stock broker mentioned he made a little bit of money in a trade and I replied "well that doesn't surprise me, because I prayed God would give us some money." I almost mentioned to him "just wait and see what God is going to do next!" But I don't claim to have profetic words so I kept it to myself.

Thursday morning my husband walked into the kitchen grinning ear to ear and said "Your prayers are working! I've just made a decent amount of money on one single trade." Anyone see the financial news of Yahoo being bought by Microsoft? ; )

He danced around the kitchen and I replied "Ok, now I'm gonna tell you." I pulled out my box of envelopes and told him the whole story of how I wanted to give some money to my church but didn't have any. So I prayed God would give me money to give. My prayer had been answered and less than two weeks later at that! God works fast!

I explained to my husband that God loves him very much and wants to bless him beyond what he can even dream of. This was just the start! I explained how when God gives us money like this, especially a direct answer to a prayer, we have to KEEP OUR HAND OPEN. Give it back to God and the flow will keep going. If we take the money and close our fist, the flow is stopped. (I learned that from a dear family in my parents church, the Santiago's.)

I told my husband I wanted him to decide on the amount to give back to God. But I told him "remember what you give will effect what you get back!" Trust God and let Him show you how He loves you!

This morning my husband wrote out a check. I won't say the amount. That actually doesn't matter, but it was more than I thought he'd give.

I put the check in my envelope dated February 3rd and told my husband "You have just put faith into action!" You have trusted God and now wait and see what He will do with that faith!

I can't tell you the JOY I felt at being able to give back to God what He gave me through a miracle! There are no words to describe that feeling! It was almost 3 years ago my husband said he would leave me if I continued attending church and now my husband wrote out a check and gave money to God! WHAT A MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHEN THERE ARE NO WORDS

2008-01-30T16:52:00.000-04:00

Today I got the news my mother has lost more vision. With this news comes the worst thoughts...

As I listened to what first my mom and then dad had to say on the phone, all I could respond with was, silence. Several times they had to ask if I was still there. I would assure them I was and could only say "I just don't have any words." There are no words to express the grief, sorrow, pain, or fear. Only silence.

I decided today was the day to listen to the cd of the sermon my uncle Ronnie preached the Sunday after my mother's surgery. The day her life hung in balance. My mother mailed me a copy and I'd been waiting for the perfect time to sit down and listen.

As my son slept in his car seat, I sat in the car and listened. It was a wonderful, faith filled sermon. Absolutely marvelous. In his sermon he spoke on Psalms 77. It starts out with the psalmist crying out to God with no evidence that God was responding. Then in the 10th verse he changes and remembers what the Lord has done in the past. I finished listening to the cd and carried my son upstairs to my apartment.

Out of my silence, somewhere deep inside my soul started pouring forth praises. It was all that would come out of my mouth. I could only speak forth how perfect, how fair, how just, how wonderful my God is. How true His Word is. And then I felt a strong pull to get my Bible out. I kind of fought that thought, as I had a lot of housework to do but the urge wouldn't let go so I got out my Bible and set it on the kitchen counter.

As soon as I set my Bible down, the passing thought came to me "what should I read?" Before that thought could even be completed, a strong wind blew in from my kitchen window that faces the beautiful Caribbean ocean. The wind quickly caught the pages in my Bible and before I could grab hold the pages settled down.

There in front of me was the 77th Psalm. The words jumped out off the pages and I couldn't believe what I was seeing! I couldn't believe the Lord had opened my Bible right to the same psalm my uncle read in his sermon!

I got to crying and laughing! I stood there laughing up a storm! I grabbed hold of my Bible and started shouting out that psalm! I probably read it out loud 10 times. Each time I read it the Word soaked into my soul and revived me. It brought life to me and victory. I stood there laughing, thinking every time I hear bad news, the Lord reaches out to me and with clear, direct signs I get the news of the Lord and it's victory and life!

Psalm 77
1 I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me.
2 When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted.
3 I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. Selah
4 You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.
5 I thought about the former days, the years of long ago;
6 I remembered my songs in the night. My heart mused and my spirit inquired:
7 "Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again?
8 Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?
9 Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?" Selah
10 Then I thought, "To this I will appeal: the years of the right hand of the Most High."
11 I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
12 I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.
13 Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God?
14 You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.
15 With your mighty arm you redeemed your people, the descendants of Jacob and Joseph. Selah
16 The waters saw you, O God, the waters saw you and writhed; the very depths were convulsed.
17 The clouds poured down water, the skies resounded with thunder; your arrows flashed back and forth.
18 Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind, your lightning lit up the world; the earth trembled and quaked.
19 Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen.
20 You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

This is so hard

2008-01-21T08:07:00.000-04:00

Trusting Him at times is so hard for me. The more time slips by the more I feel myself wanting to hold onto my mom, tighter and tighter. What's going to happen to her? I keep hearing that question bounce around in my mind. Is she going to die? Are we going to be grieving her soon? Or are we going to be shouting for joy that she's healed? Which is it I keep wondering... They both are opposite extremes that it keeps my emotions on a roller coaster at times. Most times I just feel numb. It all seems too surreal my mother is asking God to extend her life.

Today I opened a devotional email I get everyday and here was the scripture for today: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him” (I Corinthians 2:9).

Guess what? I can stop asking myself what's going to happen because according to His Word, NO eye has seen, NO ear has heard and NO mind has imagined what God has prepared for my mother!

Whatever it is it's going to be GOOD! Thank you God! You are a good God! Thank you for speaking to me, even when I have a hard time trusting you! You still reach out, ever eager to speak to me through Your Word. You never leave me or foresake me! You are more than awesome, there is no word to describe You!

He's watching out for me

2008-01-08T15:03:00.001-04:00

I'm back home after being in Jacksonville with my mom for almost 2 months. Most know she has stage 4 brain cancer and given six months or so to live.

Yesterday I had a really down day. Fear and depression overcame me and I felt utterly defeated. All I could see ahead was darkness and sadness. I felt like giving up the fight. Then my phone rang. It was Brenda, a sister in Christ from my church calling to check up on me. The call was short and sweet, although church and bible study wasn't mentioned it was just the reminder I needed to get me to Bible study the next day (today.) I almost didn't go but that call was the push I needed.

Driving there I decided to pray. My prayer was simple it was something like this "Dear Jesus, I can't help I how feel or some of the negative thoughts running through my mind, but I can control my actions and how I react to them. I choose to attend Bible study today and I'm going to your house to receive strength and comfort. Please help me when I weak. Be strong for me."

When I sat down for Bible study guess what the topic was on? Divine Healing! The pastor's wife, leading the study, finished up an audio tape lesson they had been studying while I was gone. The last part just happened to touch on Divine Healing. She shared scripture and personal experiences of how God can heal. It was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I sat there in awe as God reached down and touched my heart through scripture and the pastor's wife's words.

She had no idea I would be attending today and in fact after the study told me they were supposed to finish up that last part weeks ago but got distracted and she even questioned why that last little part got delayed. But now it all made sense, that part was for me and God had been working on that for weeks!

During the study, the lady who called me said yesterday she had an unusual intercession of prayer after she hung up with me. She didn't know who she was praying for but when she finished praying at 4:17pm she knew beyond a doubt that her prayer was heard and something had changed.

I know that prayer was for me! That prayer helped bring it all together! Brenda said yesterday she asked the Lord what he wanted her to do that day and the Lord told her to call me.

Wow, once again I'm blown away by the awesomeness of my God.

The Healing Room

2007-12-20T10:48:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I went with my mother to a place called The Healing Room. It's a unique place where one can go and receive ministry regarding healing. They pray with you and have a room of worship.

I was very intrigued by the name and I was surprised by what I experienced. We went to a house that had several rooms set up for prayer. One room had dark wine colored drapes over the windows and a large cross in the corner with a wine colored cloth draped across. Soft worship music played in the background and a picture of a radiant Jesus welcoming a bride into the wedding feast hung on the wall. Small rocking chairs that sat directly on the floor (no legs) created a relaxing atmosphere. A candle burned under another picture of Jesus. Right away I could feel a sense of awe mixed with peace and a sweetness in the place.

In another room we watched a 20 minute dvd on healing, won't go into details there but once again I was surprised by what I heard. Then, four prayer warriors led my mother and father off to another room for a time of prayer and ministry.

The rest of us there went into the worship room with the cross. First off, I picked one of those rocking chairs, hey might as well be comfy when you pray, right? I must not have sat right because the thing was kind of C shaped and I fell back and almost landed with my feet over my head. Good thing I had pants on! Thankfully everyone seemed deep in prayer.

Right away I tried praying but couldn't! Isn't that odd? I thought, now here I am in a special prayer room and all I feel is silence in my soul! I tried over and over, praying different ways, praying different things. But all I was getting was silence. So then I decided, well if I'm not storming the gates of heaven like I thought I would be, I might as well just sit back in this rocking chair and relax, maybe take a nap! JK! So I stretched back, kicked my legs out in front of me and relaxed my whole body and just got real comfy! As I sat there listening to everyone pray around me, something started happening. It was like my soul became a sponge. I didn't have to pray or say or do anything. I opened my palms face up and it was as if those prayers became my own. A peace that I can't describe came all over me. Time stopped. Anxiety stopped. My thoughts stopped and my soul saw a slice of heaven and I saw God. I saw the God of I AM! He just was. Everyone was worshipping Him and I felt the presence of Jesus. I involuntarily smiled, I couldn't help it! He was so sweet. My heart started racing, the thought crossing my mind that if I were older I'd probably have a heart attack because my physical body couldn't handle His glory. Soon it felt like my heart would beat out of my chest and then I starting getting afraid. As quick as my heart started beating like crazy, it stopped and I felt it's familiar comforting rhythm. I felt myself slipping back into this old world and I remember saying to God, "Oh God, I'm young, my heart is young, I can handle some more!" "Give me more!"

It was quite an amazing experience and I learned some very healing things myself! I'll have to share them in another post for another day.

I guess what surprised me most was learning that God just is! All He has for me is already there. All He has done for me has already been done. I just have to receive it! Yesterday was about learning how to receive.

The name Jesus

2007-12-19T10:16:00.000-04:00

Even the name Jesus brings such peace. Sometimes when I don't know what or how to pray I just pray His name. There is something about saying His name that causes a change in me and yesterday I saw the same thing at work with my children.

We were driving in the car and Lorenzo, my 2 year, was screaming. He's been having a hard time adjusting to all that's going on. He's also going through the terrible two's. He's been having screaming fits where nothing helps, and I've tried it all so it seems. It suddenly came to me to just pray for him. So I told Claudia my 3 year old, "Claudia, let's pray for Lorenzo."

So I prayed "Dear Jesus, help Lorenzo!" As soon as I said the name Jesus he instantly calmed down. I continued to pray asking Jesus to help Him. To my surprise Claudia started praying too! And not just coping what I was saying, she had her own unique prayer. Her prayer was "Jesus touch Lorenzo's heart." And "God help Lorenzo with your son."

Instantly I felt the peace of Jesus and I KNOW those children did too. There really is "just something about the name of Jesus." Hey isn't that an old song?

God and GBM

2007-12-13T13:54:00.000-04:00

GBM stands for Glioblastoma Mulitiforme. Grade four brain cancer. Terminal. No cure and no way out. Has anyone survived? When asked the doctor replied, "What do you mean by survival?" One doctor looked in my eyes and said "When GBM is small, contained and completely removed the patient could live many more years.

My mother's GBM is large, not contained and spread throughout. When my Dad and I sat the doctors office and heard once again how brutal GBM is, we caught each other eyes and unspoken the look was "Oh God!"

The more I've thought about GBM and studied it, the more it has seemed that in the natural GBM is bigger than God. If it were any other cancer, any other type I could see...but GBM?

I've struggled in my heart about what God is up too, what His will is in all this but I've decided I'm not going to worry about that anymore. He can have His plan, His will and I'm going to have His HOPE.

The fact is God IS bigger than GBM!!! And GBM IS UNDER SUBMISSION TO OUR GOD!!! That tumor has to submit to God! I call it out by name and with the healing power of the name of Jesus command it to submit and in the same breath I cry out to my merciful God for a miracle. Kristy Dykes still has work for the kingdom and a life of purpose left and I ask for mercy and more time God!

With that I'm not going to worry anymore about the question "Can He, Will He?" I'm going forward with eternal hope. I'm convinced without hope there isn't life. I heard Him speak that into my heart, without hope there isn't life.

VOMIT

2007-12-10T13:16:00.000-04:00

What a yucky title but it's what God has put into my heart today so I'll share about vomit! lol

Proverbs 26:11 As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.

So, I stumbled across this little gem the other day and gasp surely this proverb couldn't have anything to do with me! lol I'd like to think I'm no fool so could quickly pass over this tiny passage. But surprise! Vomit can have something to do with even the squeaky clean. It's when you turn your life over to God that it becomes surprising, the places in our hearts He wants to enter. I'll be honest, there are some places I don't want to be bothered with.

On the other hand I've been praying for God to give me wisdom. It's what my soul craves. I want more from God. I'm expecting more. I want more love. I want more peace. I want to feel Him in the sweetness of peaceful sleep. I want to wake with the sweet fragrance of Him. I want Him to embrace me. I want to experience Him with every single sense that I have. It's a cry from my very soul. The reason I crave this is because I know He is calling me forth. It's what He created me for.

But what to do with some of the wisdom that, I'll be brave and be honest here, I don't think is very wise? In fact some of it seems a little silly to me. Sometimes He'll give me a nugget and I'll think, "really God? That doesn't seem very important or significant." He'll nudge me in that God-like way of His and I'll know I'm not supposed to do something or I'm supposed to do something that I don't want to do. Sometimes I want to hide and say "not right now God, I really don't want your wisdom on this issue. I've got this covered, I'll call you when I need something big, OK God?"

I love how I can be honest with God, so I asked Him what He thought and here's what He told me. As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.

I've prayed for wisdom and He IS giving it to me in a personal, unique, one of a kind way. His word says all we have to do is ask for it and it will gladly be given. Here's what I'm learning about God's wisdom, it doesn't make a lot of sense sometimes when you compare it to worldly wisdom. If I take God's wisdom and compare it to the world and then decide it's not for me than I am like a dog lapping up it's vomit.

My heartfelt prayer; Dear God what a wonderful God you are!! You continue to amaze me with even topics on vomit! God, I've always known I have a STRONG stubborn streak in me. How many times have I prayed you would take that part out of me! I thank you for using Proverbs 26:11 to teach me why you made that stubborn streak in me. God, I don't want you to take that part of me away, thank you for not answering that prayer, instead I thank you for your creation. God, I'm giving you my stubborn streak knowing you will take it and use it to help me become all that you have desired and planned for me to be! It's with your help, us working together that I will obey you. Because I love you, I WANT to obey you!

2007-12-07T14:58:00.000-04:00

Today I got to put some Christmas decorations up around the house for my mother. She sat in a chair in the garage as I climbed up into the attic and pulled down Christmas boxes. Those who know my mother well wouldn't be surprised by this but she actually wanted to climb up the attic to sort through the boxes! That sent me into a panic, I mean my goodness the woman just had brain surgery! Does anything slow her down? Thankfully my dad arrived just in time to help pull out ALL the boxes. Dad pulled out all the stuff including outside lights and mom and I both said "oh, we don't need that. If we could just get a tree up inside." But much to my delight my dad said he's putting stuff outside too. As my mother often says to me, I told them both "that just tickles me!" Something about seeing my dad climb up that attic and pull Christmas boxes down with such love and taking the time to put out lights really touched me and meant a lot.

We are going to have Christmas!

That might seem so simple but having that hope fills my eyes with tears and gives me something to look forward too. I love Christmas because I love Jesus and I love thinking of my savior as a sweet babe. He's already so pure and sweet but something about remembering His birth delights me.

This year we're going to have an angel tree with white lights. The white lights are to celebrate the glory of the Lord and the angels are to remind us that God has sent His guarden angels to watch over and protect us.

2007-12-06T13:00:00.000-04:00

I've been wanting to blog so bad since my last post but I've been in Tampa staying with my sister while my mom recovered from surgery and no Internet access. Now I'm back in Jacksonville and with my mother during the day, so hopefully I can write more. I'll be staying in Florida until January. My husband came for Thanksgiving for a week and left. He'll be back at Christmas. I want to be with my mother every second I can and I'd like to share how God is taking care of me.

From the very beginning upon hearing this terrible news the Lord has promised me He will be with me and help me. He hasn't left my side and has been my confidant and best friend the whole way. I've cried on His shoulder while He warmly embraces me, I've cried out to Him for advice when there was no one else around to ask. He hasn't disappointed me in the least. When this all began I told Him kind of like this "Ok, God now this is a big blow, mind blowing actually. I'm not quite sure what all you're up too, but you have promised in your Word that you won't give me more than I can handle. So, I've got some BIG expectations of You! If I have to face losing my mother who is also my best friend then I KNOW beyond a doubt you are about to step up in a big, amazing and wonderful way." I'm counting and waiting on Him and it's not going to be any other way. I kinda told Him "God, let's see what you've got!" You know, I actually felt Him kind of chuckle at that! By the way, I find God has a sense of humor!

So let me tell you what He's done so far. First of all He made a way for me to stay in Florida an extended time. My husband has been so wonderful, loving and supportive. He understands that I need to be with my mother during this and supports me being here. Another thing the Lord lined up, after the surgery I left with the kids to Tampa so my mother could get quiet rest. It's amazing how loud 2 and 3 year olds can be! lol anyway... The Lord lined up a house for me to stay at 10 minutes way from my parents. A dear couple in my parent's church Ann and Bill arranged it all. When Ann took me inside the house to show me around, I lost my breath and my eyes filled with tears at the wonder of my God. You wouldn't believe how perfect this place is for me and my two little children. It was as if this house had been made for us! With children's videos to books and toys. In the cabinets were some of my kids favorite foods that Ann said we could use! God said right down into my heart in that house "Now didn't I say I'd take care of you!" The next big thing the Lord did, He provided TOP of the line childcare for my children so I can help take care of my mom during the day. My dad's best friend Don is the headmaster at Providence and arranged for my children to be in the preschool program. This school is AMAZING! Again I'd blown away by my God. My God knows me intimately, He knows how I feel about my children and He provided THE BEST so I feel totally confident in leaving them. As if that isn't enough Lorenzo my two year old has been having a hard time adjusting to everything going on so I took him to a walk-in clinic and discovered he has an ear infection. So today a wonderful friend in my parent's church who runs a home daycare is taking care of Lorenzo for me so again I can be here with my mother! Annette and her husband Gary have the biggest hearts and know just how to care for him giving that extra special touch!

Well isn't my God good??? I'm sorry if this got so long I just couldn't help but shout out how wonderful my Lord is!

It's time

2007-11-18T07:34:00.000-04:00

Wednesday night as I was reading my Bible I found my mom listed in there. No, her name Kristy Dykes wasn't written but if you read Proverbs 31 Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character you will find her.

Last week I felt the Lord whisper into my heart the words Rise Up. It's time to Rise Up. So Wednesday night I looked up the words Rise Up in the Bible and here is what I found.

Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her

As my sister and I sat in the ICU waiting room Thursday afternoon we started to cry out "what are we going to do?" In my spirit cried the words rise up. So I shared with her what we're going to do as her children.

It's time to rise up and be everything our mother has taught us to be. All the training, all the diligent guiding she's given since the time we were born until becoming young ladies. It's time to rise up and become what she knew all along was inside us. So much wisdom she has given us, little nuggets here and there. I'm going to make my mother proud. This isn't going to destroy me, it's going to make me stronger. My mother is going to come alive in me, her words, her training... I'm going to strive all my life with the sweet help of Jesus to Rise Up.

My mom's brain tumor

2007-11-17T07:42:00.000-04:00

We found out yesterday that my mom's brain tumor is called a glioblastoma multiforme grade four. All you have to do is google that word and you will know how bad it is. They have given her 6 to 9 months here on this earth.

It's hard to believe that unless a supernatural miracle happens my mother will no longer be on this earth. I don't like the word die, do you know why? Because my mother is not going to die. Sure her body will give out but SHE, her spirit, the thing that makes her who she is will not cease. She's going to transition. So I perfer the word transition. In 6 to 9 months my mother is going to transition from this earth to heaven.

My mother has described a cloud of peace that is around her and I'm going to try and describe it in a little more detail. All around my mother is a sweetness. It fills her hospital ICU room. You can see it touching her, you can see it in her face. There is no fear in that room or anywhere near her. Something draws me to that room and comforts me. My spirit senses it and rejoices in it's sweetness. I can feel Jesus in that room, He is so close to her whispering in her ear. People come in and out to visit but He never leaves her side. He is waiting for her patiently with a sweet knowing smile on His face. He isn't going to leave her, from this point out He's waiting by her side. When I sit in that room by my mother and close my eyes that peace settles all around me and I never want to leave. All my life I've had an image of what death and news of this nature would feel like and this is NOTHING like what I thought. It's too much to describe in just a few sentences but there is no fear. It is sweet and fills me with awe. This passage in 1 Corinthians 15: 54-55 has come alive for me and I understand it in the deepest parts of my soul: So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

We have the victory!! This tumor doesn't, death doesn't. Satan can throw the worst at us and still we will rise up in victory!

When you hear the worst

2007-11-08T11:20:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I heard the worst news of my life. My mother has a brain tumor and it's cancer...

I didn't believe her when she called and told me. I remember yelling at her saying it wasn't true...

I don't know why this is happening but I do know He has been beside me comforting and giving an unusual peace.

It must sound very odd to say you have peace when the worst thing that can happen is happening. But this is what I know, He's got my mother in the palm of His hand and there is no other place I'd rather have her be. I know He's going to be there with her every step of the way. He's promised this and God doesn't go back on promises.

My heartfelt prayer: Dear God I'm not sure what you are up too yet but know this, our family loves you and we dedicate our lives to you. Our lives are not our own but yours dear Lord. And so we look up to you and we worship you because you are good and holy and just. Nothing can ever separate us from your love and to your love we cling. We stand with our arms open expecting, waiting and receiving your love and peace. I thank you with all my heart for giving me my mother. I thank you for her creation, she is yours and she's beautiful...

It's not OKAY GOD

2007-09-11T14:17:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to post in awhile, I guess I needed to get my thoughts together first. I had a stand still for a few weeks with God. Of course it was self imposed, thankfully God lovingly stood by me. Patiently waiting...isn't He a good God?

My son Lorenzo had a febrile seizure last month. It was completely unexpected. My husband was out of town and I went to bed early and woke at 10:30pm when he cried out. I went to check on him and he was in the middle of a full blown seizure. I didn't realize in that moment it was a seizure, I thought he'd had a stroke. It looked horrific with foam coming out of his mouth and his little body contorted and his eyes rolled back in his head. I kind of lost my mind for a moment and went to a place I wouldn't wish on anyone. I thought for sure he was either dead or going to be brain dead. Neighbors called 911 and I realized he was burning up from fever and it was a seizure, I got him into a cold tub and he stopped jerking although he stayed in a contorted state with eyes rolled back for more than 30 minutes. The police rushed us to the ER and I learned there he would be completely fine and have no lasting effects whatsoever from the seizure. I stood in the ER barefoot, in pajama's and sobbed with relief into my sister-in-law's arms. It was a horrific and life changing night for me for sure. It felt like I went to hell and back, there was one point I clearly remember (although really the whole night is etched forever in my mind) as I stood over my sweet baby Lorenzo and watched him seizing in the tub I screamed out to Jesus and was met with...silence. There was absolutely no sense of God's presence at all, and I realized if Lorenzo died or had lasting damage from the seizure that it wouldn't be okay. I would not be able to say "it is well with my soul."

And so this started my stand still with God. Not for a moment did I question the reality of God, even though I didn't sense Him in my need. It was realizing that I'm not in control and if something happens to my precious babies it is NOT going to be alright with me. I didn't feel like talking to God about it, because really how can you tell God "you know what God, it's not okay that you are in charge and in control and if you mess with me I'm not going to be happy about it." But after I sulked for a few weeks I finally decided to tell Him what I thought. Of course He wasn't surprised! ha ha!

But you know what I got the surprise! Instead of Him telling me to come back when I was ready to hand over the reins and get over my haughtness; He wrapped His arms around me and comforted me! You know what He said? He whispered into my heart how He once LOST a son and witnessed His son's horrific death and He knew exactly how I felt. He understood how it wasn't okay. My emotion wasn't new, it didn't shock Him! He just loved on me, and with that I was able to let the pain of the memory start to fade.

I don't know why that night happened. I don't know how parents handle the death of a child. I learned that night that I wouldn't be able to handle it and thankfully I didn't have to go through that. But I do know this, we have an amazing God that is always there, just waiting to lavish love on us and longing to help us. The question is, will we let Him?

Look what God has done!

2007-07-30T06:40:00.000-04:00

I can't wipe the smile off my face! You aren't going to believe what God has been up too!

Some of you may know that my husband and I ride and compete mountain biking. I'm retired from competing since having kids but hubby has continued on and rides almost everyday.

Well yesterday he had a competition and a good friend he often rides with picked him up and they went together. The kids and I went to church as usual and later yesterday afternoon after hubby had gotten back from the race he just happened to mentioned that... are you ready for this?!!

That his good friend found the Lord! Yes, those were the exact words of my husband and I almost fell over right there in absolute shock! My husband went on to explain in great detail how on the ride to the race and back his friend told him that he found the Lord and was attending church! My husband told me that he said to his friend that he doesn't believe in all that and his friend replied back... "well you should!" Hubby then went on to say that he told his friend about how I found the Lord and am attending church etc. and how my parents are ministers. Aparently they had an indepth discusion on the Lord.

If I ever needed more proof that God is real and in control then this would be it folks! Do you think it is coindidence that EXACT prayers my family and I are praying are EXACTLY being answered? We have prayed that God would line up Christians around my husband to witness to him. And not only that but that these people would be new Christians who came to Christ later in life. I asked my husband "do you think it's chance that your wife and now your good friend and bike buddy are Christians??!!"

God couldn't have picked a better person to be witnessing to my husband. I'm telling you God is a genius! This friend couldn't be more worldly (note "normal") more fun loving and full of life. No sob story that my hubby can't relate too!

How funny that yesterdays sermon was titled What To Do When Waiting On God. It was all about having patience and how God is in control and working things out according to His will in His timing!

James 5:7-8 Dear brothers and sisters, be patient as you wait for the Lord’s return. Consider the farmers who patiently wait for the rains in the fall and in the spring. They eagerly look for the valuable harvest to ripen. You, too, must be patient. Take courage, for the coming of the Lord is near.

Ever struggle with GUILT?

2007-07-24T20:44:00.000-04:00

Any other Christian out there struggle with this issue? In my Christian walk it seems I've made the mistake of allowing guilt to get in the way from time to time. Never even realizing that the guilt itself was a problem. I'm now realizing guilt should have no part of us once we become born again and saved.

GUILT GUILT GUILT. Ever have the feeling you've displeased God somehow and suddenly find yourself out of His grace and feel the need to run to the alter begging forgiveness? Well guess what? GUILT won't get you closer to God! Sure it may have us weeping and crying our eyes out on Sunday, but I think it's a trap from satan. Guilt seperates us from God. It cuts us off. It chokes us. As soon as we confess our guilt we feel all better, but for how long? Until we mess up again! Then it starts all over.

God isn't standing up in heaven with a pencil and erasier and everytime we slip up he says "time to erase that name again."

What does the Word say about it? Romans 8:1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus

Ever struggle with sin? Guess what, God isn't surprised! We are humans, it's what we do! Instead of letting guilt seperate you from God, how about taking your sin to God. Think He's too holy to hear it? Feel ashamed? Those are lies from satan. I challenge you to take your sin (it doesn't matter how big or small) to God and see what He says about it! You might be shocked what He says! I'm not talking about confessing your sin after the fact, I mean take it to Him directly! Don't think you have to fix it yourself or get over the issue or even stop your sin until you can come to Him. I mean take it to Him directly! You know what you might find? He might just wrap you in His arms and say "I don't even care about that right now. I'm just so happy you finally brought it to me!" And even more shocking, He might just take care of it for you!

My heartfelt prayer: Dear God what an amazing and loving God you are! I adore you! I sigh your name in love. I will follow you forever just to get tastes of you. Please Lord I ask you to teach me! Show me more! I want you more! I want to taste you, I want to hear you, I want to see you. I get a tiny taste and I find I can't get enough. I pant after you. I'm in love with you and it's amazing!

Did you know God sings?

2007-07-05T21:52:00.000-04:00

Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

I stubbled over this sweet little passage the other day and thought "what a revelation into God's heart!"

I read it like this: The Lord my God is with me When I'm alone, scared, or worried. He is a strong and powerful God that magnificently saves! And get this! He likes me! He laughs over me. ME! Imagine that! He wraps His love around my heart so tight until I can only be still in awe. And then He sings about me, and the heavens respond to this singing!

When God speaks

2007-05-20T14:14:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Anybody ever feel that way? I'll be honest and say sometimes I wonder if it's worth it, to keep going with my marriage. At times I feel like so much is stacked against me that I really don't know...

Often times I feel that way when I look around at others and notice the helpful father doting on his children, eager to help and please his wife. Then I look at my situation and feel such loss. My heart screams that it isn't fair, it isn't right. Why can't my relationship be like that? Why can't I have that...

Last night after returning home from a birthday party where once again I felt majorly let down by my husband, I let God have it, have the problem that is. A situation happened at the party where my 3 year old daughter went missing. I turned my head for a second and she was gone, just vanished. Everyone frantically searched for her, it turned out in the second I turned my head my husband walked by on an errand and took my daughter with him, not letting me know. It was a bad situation and upsetting to a lot of people. I was scared, panicked, embarrassed, hurt, angry. My husband apoligized but with other things that happened (that I don't want to share) it just didn't feel like enough.

Later that night while lying in bed I cried my heart out to God, how unfair my situation seems. I mean doesn't He know how unfair it is! Why do others have better, why do I have to continue to suffer with this person! I told God I was tired, I wanted to give up, I'd had it! After I poured out my heart I then asked Him what He had to say about it! I was very interested in His thoughts regarding the subject. I felt Him speak to my spirit and simply say "just love him." Meaning my husband. Just love my husband. Now I know that God can handle anything I throw at Him, so I responded back "is that all you've got this time God? Just love him? That's it?" With me God speaks simply and once again all I got was to "just love him."

That was NOT the answer I wanted! But I told God that if He would give me this love in my heart for this man, I would obey Him and continue on.

And then today in Sunday service at the very end of a wonderful message the pastor said this: If there is someone out there wanting to give up on their marriage, the message is this: Don't give up for in Galatians 6:9 the Lord says this: Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

And Philippians 1:6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Tears poured down my face as I knew this message was for me!

On the most wanted list

2007-05-18T23:46:00.000-04:00

Could it be that Paul's testimony will one day become my husbands?

In 1 Timothy 1:12-16 Paul writes: I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. 13Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. 14The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
15Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. 16But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.

Oh what sweet promise in this passage! Paul who was a blasphemer and a violent man was shown abundant grace and mercy and for what? What reason I ask? It was for the Kingdom! I've often exclaimed to my mother "Do you realize what a victory for the Kingdom it will be when my husband finally hears Him calling?" Oh man! I get chills just thinking about it. What a testimony that will be!

My heartfelt prayer: Oh wonderful and merciful God, the God of "I AM" How genius you are! I do not believe for a second I was paired with my husband by chance meeting! I know it was your premissive will that allowed this marriage to be. What the deceiver took for bad you will claim in victory! What the deceiver took to destory You build up! You are amazing. You are beautiful! God-do you know how beautiful and lovely I find you! I believe in You! I believe in Your unique design and I promise with your help to hold fast and stick with You! I trust you, I have confidence in You. I pray for Your abundant grace and mercy to be with ME! For Your Kingdom! I dream with You on the forceful advancement of the Kingdom! I long for You to have Your Kingdom here on earth, imagine how beautiful it will be!

Jesus says: Don't give up!

2007-05-10T10:07:00.000-04:00

Luke 18: 1-8 Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up. He said: "In a certain town there was a judge who neither feared God nor cared about men. And there was a widow in that town who kept coming to him with the plea, 'Grant me justice against my adversary.'
"For some time he refused. But finally he said to himself, 'Even though I don't fear God or care about men, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won't eventually wear me out with her coming!' "
And the Lord said, "Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?"

Again the Holy Spirit is crying out with an urgency for intercession for my husband. Yesterday he lead me to this scripture and I'm amazed to read the words of Jesus telling me personally to not give up and to keep praying for my husband.

WANTED!!!

2007-05-08T11:55:00.000-04:00

If only my husband knew how special he is to the living God. How much he is desired and wanted by Him.

I'm amazed at the presistance of the Holy Spirit for my husband's soul. He just won't give up even when I feel like giving up. The Holy Spirit just won't let go.

The Spirit has clearly being speaking to me and breathing one word into my heart: INTERCEDE. A fresh desire has been born in my heart and what an amazing feeling when my spirit and the Holy Spirit become one as we join together in crying out to the Father.

It makes me wonder just what the Father has in store for my husband! Clearly he is wanted!

Romans 8:26-27 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.

who am I?

2007-03-31T22:02:00.000-04:00

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.

In my life I've struggled off and on with depression. As a Christian my depression sometimes comes from struggling to understand and accept who I am.

Tonight I was lying in bed thinking who I am. As usual I started thinking about all the things I don't like about myself. I was thinking on 1 Corinthians 13 and reading off to myself the list of things that love is: love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud... on it goes.

I've often struggled that these things don't seem to be in my nature, this doesn't seem to be who I am by creation. I can try to be these things. I can meditate on them and redirect my thoughts and actions. I can pray and plead to become these things but deep down my first reponse/thought/action is always the opposite of 1 Corinthians 13.

Bottom line, I don't like this about myself. In the past I've let self-pity and self-loathing cut me off from God. Tonight I just cried and prayed. Tonight I asked why. I don't think I've ever asked Him why before. Some might say you shouldn't ask why to God, but I feel that He is my father and I have a running conversation with Him. I can talk to Him about anything.

So I just cried my self-pity tears and told Him "Now God, YOU made me. Now why did you make me like this?" "Why is it such a struggle for me?" "Why is IT so hard?" "If there is so much value on love, why am I the opposite of it?"

And I love how God speaks to me. First it's like a whisper, it's soft and gentle. But what stands out the most is the peace I feel when He speaks to me. It's a perfect peace. That's the only way I can think to explain it. My whole soul stands still and breathes Him in. There's something addictive about His perfect peace.

Like a caress on my heart He spoke and said "I made you perfect. I made you exactly how I wanted you to be. You are not a mistake, I don't make mistakes. I made you so that you will need Me, so that you will constantly need to rely on Me. That is who I want you to be."

Isn't that amazing? This is something I'm going to need to think about! So first of all, He knows my very nature and He thinks it's perfect because He made me like this and it's exactly how He wants me to be! But here's the best part, it's for a reason! He made me so that I will SEE and FEEL how VERY much I need Him. This is a circle! There is nothing wrong with me! He made me! Ha!

He doesn't want me perfect! lol! That's not what He valvues in me! He delights when I NEED Him. When I ask for His help, when I rely on Him. He doesn't think this is weakness! It's beginning to dawn on me, that I can be a Christian all my life and I'm still going to be who He created, I'm still going to be me. The point isn't to change that, it's beginning to dawn on me that the whole point is to NEED Him.

whose battle is this?

2007-03-27T13:49:00.000-04:00

This past Sunday was my 3 year old daughter's first time in Sunday school class. She's always been in the nursery and recently turned 3 so I decided to try her out and see how she would do.

She did wonderful and learned so much in only one hour! I was very impressed.

Also this Sunday I was asked to teach that same preschool class one Sunday a month, I excitedly agreed. I'm so excited to get involved and have a ministry (besides Tuesday's Bible study.) I feel the Lord calling me to this.

However FEAR soon seeped into my soul and guess what FEAR does? It binds you up and cripples you. It overwhelms you and makes it so you stand still and hardly breath, it holds you captive.

FEAR said to me "what will your husband think? What will he do? What will he say when he finds out that xxxx(my daughter) is attending not nursery anymore but Sunday school, where they actually talk about God?" FEAR said to me "oh you are in for it." Like a snake, fear wrapped around my heart and squeezed hard.

The next day I mentioned to my SIL about xxx(my daughter) attending the preschool class at church and right away she said things like, "well I don't envy you. You certain have a battle before you. Your husband will freak out when he finds out. You have a huge battle before you." Again FEAR jumped out and gripped my heart with it's cold hand.

That night I was thinking about what my SIL said, about the battle before me. And all the sudden the Holy Spirit came to me and said "NOW WAIT A MINUTE!" This is NOT your battle this is the Lords! So I grabbed a hold of that and started praying.

Thank God for the Holy Spirit that speaks TRUTH into our minds and hearts. Through prayer and reading of the Word this is what He revealed to me: This is a BATTLE all right! But it's not Jennifer's battle! It is the Lords, He claims it and He's ready to fight! It's not my battle but I do have a job in it, it's my job in this battle to pray. And not just to pray but to pray with POWER through the Holy Spirit and in the powerful name of Jesus and to pray in TRUTH because the truth is on my side! And to pray with FAITH.

And so pray I did last night. My husband was out of town and so I got down in the Word. And I prayed in the Spirit. I bound up every stronghold against my husband by the name of Jesus. I put my hands on his pillow and prayed that when he put his head there later that night that by the power of Jesus, strongholds from Satan would be broken and the truth would set him free.

I know that Satan has used fear on me for awhile but the time has come where I have to choose between comfort and the truth, in my heart I know there is no other way but the truth.

2 Timothy 1:7 says For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

And so with God fighting this battle I'm ready! I'm not afraid and fear has been cast aside. There is nothing to be afraid of, there is only ONE way this battle will end! And that is with God prevailing! I'm getting ready for my part (which is prayer) by reading the Word. Because how can you pray in TRUTH without the Word saturating your mind and soul? I'm using the Word to pray. Since the Word is alive then what better way to pray than by it's power?

Anybody out there want to use this prayer to fight a battle? I'm using 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 and this is how my prayer looks like: By the authority given to me by Jesus I pray this in His name: Satan I come against you in the name of Jesus 3For though I live in the world, I do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons I fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds against my husband. 5I demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and I take captive every thought of my husband's to make it obedient to Christ.

God is SO good!!!!

2007-03-06T20:44:00.000-04:00

It seems fitting to direct this post to Him. Dear God, You are an amazing and wonderful God. I can hardly get past the wonder that You created Me so that I can know You and experience You! You are funny, You are loving and ever so kind! You are gentle and patient and laugh like a little child yet are so wise and all knowing. The depth of your personality makes me pant after You for more! I want more of You! How thrilling I can come directly to You and sit at Your feet in worship. I love you with all my heart, You are my Father. You fill me up with bubbles of love. You are perfect and as always You are genius! I love laughing with you. I love You! I love how Holy and perfect You are! To worship You is be with You! It's what You demand! Worship is what You want. How exciting is my relationship with You. You pour out Your love and in return I worship and adore You!

*******
In my dark and difficult moments I cry out to Him and beg for His hand and His help. In my joyful moments I laugh with Him and sing to Him. He knows how wonderful He is, but He loves for me to tell Him!

Right now is a joyful moment in my life. We closed on our apartment and are settling into our rental apartment. We are very happy in our new place. Today I got teary-eyed thinking on this past year and how far He has brought me. Because for SURE the hand of the Lord has been on my life. I don't believe for a second all these blessings are coincidence!

In one year I've gone from the brink of divorce and abandonment to my marriage being restored and healed and my little family kept intact. We've gone from near bankruptcy to my husband getting a new job, selling our condo at top dollar and moving to a much bigger place. And that's just the big stuff. I've done lots of laughing with God this past year! You know what I've discovered? Blessings always come with laughter. I'm amazed to learn, He LOVES to bless His children! It brings Him pleasure! And do you know why? Because He is a GOOD God!

So close!

2007-02-27T15:26:00.000-04:00

Well it looks like we are going to close tomorrow! We've reached an agreement with the buyer and if all goes as planned we will close tomorrow and after that sign our new lease and start moving in the afternoon and have the movers come on Thursday for the big stuff.

I feel at peace with our agreement and a relief that we aren't signing the lease until after we close.

Now let me tell you about our new place! I think God has really blessed us and we will be very happy there, this place has EVERY single thing I wanted! Isn't God good?

It's a 3 bedroom 2 bath almost 1,700 sq ft. All the bedrooms are on one side of the apartment divided by a door and the family/dinning/kitchen/balcony are on the other side. The kitchen is huge, even has an island, and the view is stunning. It's a sub penthouse so it's high up, the 22nd floor. We have views facing San Juan and the ocean. There are more closets than I can fill up!!! It has a pool, playground and gym. We have private storage and two parkings. God even got the small details down, it has carpet in the bedrooms which I really wanted. The master room and bath are big and has a walk in closet! Oh oh I forgot, it has 4 air condition units!!!!!!!!!!!!! No more sweating all day in misery!

I've learned a lot of lessons during this time! One main one being what my dad commented on in my last post I'll copy and paste it here:

******
It has been said that we are no more like God than when we forgive others for what they have done wrong to us.

Your kindness and prayers to this lady has yet worked God's goodness in your life.

God takes all things and works them for our good. You have become more like Jesus through this experience, and that is good.

Love is more important than faith--See I Corinthians 13.

Love, Dad
******

1 Corinthians 13 1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Countdown to God's Goodness

2007-02-26T21:08:00.000-04:00

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Things have been SO stressful these last few days. Our closing has been pushed back by at least a couple of days and things at this point could still fall through. Some unexpected issues came up in the inspection of the condo and we are trying to work through the issues with our buyer.

It's been really tough on me with two small children, packing and dealing with inspectors etc. At one point I was very upset with the buyer. She knows we have small kids and we're trying to get out in 11 days at her request and she wasn't responding to some calls which put delays on us signing a lease etc. Today was the day before the movers come and I still didn't know if we were going to close or not. We found a perfect place and have someone waiting on us to sign a lease and the buyer was/in dragging her feet. STRESS. I was really getting upset and felt like blessing the buyer out.

And then the Holy Spirit spoke and started changing my heart, I started feeling compassion for the woman. Even though I feel she isn't doing us right I started feeling compassionate for her. From what I understand she has some personal/emotional problems and so I started to pray for her. That God would touch her in that very moment and calm her heart. I prayed that God would bless her and protect her and be there for her.

Instantly a peace came over me and a calm took over my heart.

About 15 minutes later I FINALLY received word from our realitor that she got in touch with the buyer and she thinks we can work out the closing and reach an agreement.

And so with that I pray to my Father; Dear Lord I've been so busy praying for myself this whole time that I've lost sight of those around me. I've been so focused on receiving my blessing that perhaps my heart has been in the wrong place. And so I turn it all over to you. You know just what I need and even though times look dark, I refuse to lose my faith in you. You are my delight and I will not let that go! You are what excites me and You are what I want, I give the rest to you. My dear Lord I pray for this woman who needs your help, I pray you bless her ten times what you will bless me. Dear Lord I pray for the best for this lady. I pray Lord you will step in and change my heart where it needs to be changed, I know only YOU can do that! And so here Lord is my heart, I offer it to you and my longing is that you change my desires to Yours so that I can pray Your will. I thank You for Your wonderful mercy and grace. You are amazingly sweet!

Update to Day 7

2007-02-22T12:59:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention in my post below that I received a call from a lady in my Bible study group.

I didn't go on Tuesday but called the other co-leader to let her know what was going on and she requested prayer on my half.

That afternoon I received a call from one of the ladies asking how I was etc. And she offered to come help me pack and even help move!

I thought that was the nicest thing and it touched my heart dearly.

Just the woman offering to help was a witness and blessing. I mentioned to my husband how a friend from church upon hearing our delema called and offered her help. I pointed out to him, that several times he's asked why I feel the need to attend church etc. and I told him "you see, a friend from church who I haven't even know that long was offering to help us! That's how church people are!" He was very impressed and seemed touched.

Praise God for another witness to my husband!

Documenting God's Goodness Countdown Day 7

2007-02-22T09:11:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was STRESSFUL.

We spent a good part of the day in the car driving around from place to place looking at apartments. There really seems to be nothing available that fits our needs.

Either it's the perfect size and great location BUT only 1 parking OR horrible location but 2 parkings.

I really don't know what we will do.

There are several nice remodeled 2 bedrooms but we started this whole process to get 3 bedrooms.

Should I settle for less since it's temporary and then in a year buy what we want OR what.....? Be homeless?

Documenting God's Goodness Countdown Day 9

2007-02-20T15:45:00.000-04:00

And Jebez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain." So God granted him what he requested.

Life is busy! Packing with two young kids underfoot is well.......impossible!

During the day I'm busy with the kids and making calls and checking online for new listings. We still have no place to go and the tower of boxes is getting higher and higher along my walls!

At night is when the real fun begins! I put the kids down around 8pm and start packing. I first tried to pack during the day but soon find myself about to pull my hair out. Once again I cried out to the Lord asking "what have I done??? how am I going to get all this packed??? how is this supposed to work???" Well who knew the Holy Spirit would take a hand in packing! This whole process I feel the spirit with me so strongly, guiding me and give me wisdom. Very quickly I felt Him prod me in the direction I should go. Pack at night, and so I am. Amazingly He gives me strength and I've been praising Him as I pack!

As for where we are going, right now we are looking for a place to rent with the idea we'll take our time to buy. But there's not many options out there. We looked at a place yesterday and have an appointment tonight to look at something else.

There are moments of shear panick and fear but this where I'm praying that the hand of the Lord be with me. No matter what happens, no matter where we end up all I ask is that His hand is with me! Even if things go bad, that doesn't mean He's not in charge. It just means He's got something for me to learn!

And I'm ready for what He's got!

Documenting God's Goodness Countdown Day 10

2007-02-19T09:28:00.000-04:00

I am so excited about how GOOD my God is, I want to shout it from the rooftops.

I've decided to create a countdown on here to document what my God is capable of!

Here's a little background info. We live in a 2 bedroom condo and several months ago were talking about if we should sell and look for a 3 bedroom place OR remodel our place and turn it into a 3 bedroom. It would make the living space very small. But we need a 3rd bedroom for our 2nd child.

I really didn't know which direction to go in and one day I was getting the children on the elevator and I was praying asking God to show me what to do, that I needed a clear answer on this issue. As soon as I prayed for answer the elevator stopped and a neighbor got in. I've seen this neighbor before but we've never talked beyond a polite hello. This woman turned to me and said: "How do you live here? How do you fit into these tiny condo's with your family?" I replied "Well it's hard, we don't fit well at all." She agreed and finished with "Every young couple that starts a family here quickly moves out. No one stays here once they start having children. This building just wasn't made for families."

The elevator stopped again and as quickly as she got in she was gone!

As soon as I got in my car I called my mother in shock and told her the whole story. In my heart I believed this was my answer from God. And as I talked it over with my mother she too agreed.

So we decided to sell.

A friend put our place on the market about a month ago and right away I felt the Lord speak to me and say that we were going to have a buyer come and pay our asking price, it wasn't going to take long and it was just going to fall into our lap. I further felt Him speak into my heart that He was going to bless my family beyond what I would think of.

We had a few people come and look and I pretty much kept what the Lord spoke into my heart to myself.

Then on Valentine's Day a woman came and looked and was very iinterested but her offer was 40 thousand below our asking price. We declined and counter offered with our asking price. Our realitor thought we were making a mistake that nobody pays the asking price AND we then found out that the condo above us just sold for 20 thousand below our asking price.

Still we held firm. Again the Lord spoke in my heart that we were going to get our asking price.

Three days later we get the call. She wants the condo and will come up to our asking price and wants to pay cash pending an appraisal. We agree to the appraisal.

THEN later that night we get another call from our realitor that the buyer wants to forget about the appraisal, she wants the place and she wants to make the contract the next day!

Now this was all very exciting but really scary at the same time because we have no place to go and the buyer wants to close on Feb. 28th.

We have talked about renting for about a year and then buying but it would be VERY tight time wise. Where will we go so quickly?

Fear gripped my heart and the what if's started overwhelming me. But the storm in my heart turned into a calm. I felt the Lord speak into my heart once again that He was going to bless me beyond what I would dream, was I willing to trust Him?

Amazing thing I heard the Lord laughing! He was laughing into my heart and the theme was I AM A GOOD GOD!

He was saying to me "I am a good God and I WILL bless you because I am good!"

So trusting in Him we signed the contract Saturday Feb. 17th and we close on Feb. 28th!!!!

Now here is where the count down begins!

My God is good (I already know this even if he doesn't prove it!) but He's the one who has something up His sleve and I'm trusting Him so let's see what He's going to do.

I'm going to post everyday that I can and update what is going on! The countdown is on!

Interesting little thing happen last night.

As I was packing I came across an amazing little book titled: The Prayer of Jebez

Now the Holy Spirit put this little book in my path and this is what He's calling me to pray:

And Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, "Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain." So God granted him what he requested.

Sharing my testimony

2007-02-14T12:47:00.000-04:00

Last Tuesday I got a chance to share my testimony at our Bible study.

I was very nervous because, well...to share my testimony I have to tell a lot of personal stuff.

I guess I don't have to share EVERYTHING, but I feel compelled to share a lot of it and don't think it would as powerful without all the detail.

I cried throughout some of it. Especially when I share the part how as a child I was so in love with my savior and I gave that up. It breaks my heart to admit that out loud.

Anyway, a lot of the ladies said they were really touched. So PTL!

I just started reading the Purpose Driven Life. I started it several years ago but never finished it.

I'm quite touched and amazed by it. It makes a lot of sense to me now and confirms a lot of things the Holy Spirit has revealed to me throughout this past year.

It never ceases to amaze me when the Holy Spirit drops something in my heart and then I read the same thing in a book or in the Word. It's such a confirmation that the Holy Spirit is REAL! And powerful! It's awesome to think I have a personal companion that guides me.

discouraged and down

2007-01-30T13:22:00.000-04:00

Today was my Tuesday morning ladies Bible study. I almost didn't go today because I felt so discouraged and I felt like complete failure.

I've been going through a tough time with my toddler. She's been pitching royal fits and pushing my buttons like crazy. She wakes in the night pitching fits and well it just feels like it will never end. I feel like I never get a break, not even in the night to rest. I'm exhausted and discouraged.

Making matters worse, I've been having a hard time controlling MY emotions. I'm supposed to be the adult here and yet I lose my temper and yell and react not so good.

And so after another night of being up and feeling like I want to pull my hair out from frustration, well I just didn't feel like going to Bible study to talk about God's love.

We are doing a study by Cynthia Heald called Becoming A Woman Who Loves.

I'm thinking to myself "how can I have anything to say about love, when I can't even love my own daughter propperly, when I lose my temper and yell?" I'm not even showing my own daughter the love of Christ.

I just felt completely defeated. BUT I went anyway. I figured well at least it will give me an hour break from the kids and some down time to regroup my thoughts and emotions.

Thank God I went because this is what he showed me:

The springs of love are in God, not in us. It is absurd to look for the love of God in our hearts naturally; it is only there when it has been shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Spirit. --Oswald Chambers

After reading this quote in the study, three women (not knowing what I've been struggling with lately) all shared different experiences of when they were raising their kids and difficult times and how they got through. After that we read verse after verse on God's love....

And so the Holy Spirit spoke into my heart and said "Jennifer, use LOVE and COMPASSION with Claudia, this is what she needs. This is what she is crying out for!" It is absured to think God's love will naturally be in your heart when dealing with tough times, it is only when you rely on the Holy Spirit to "shed abroad" that God's love will shine through!!!

I realized that I was looking within to find the love I needed to deal with my difficult todder. I thought since she was MY daughter that this love should be there naturally, even in difficult moments. I had it all wrong! This love, God's love is NOT there naturally! EVER! It requires a continual reliance on the Holy Spirit!

I left that meeting a changed person. I went from defeated and discouraged to empowered!

What exactly does this look like in action?? Well it means when something goes wrong in my life, in that moment of dire need, I call out to the Holy Spirit for His power and for His help. And my cry reads something like this:

Oh God! You know that it is not in my heart naturally to love as you love so here I am! I stand in silence before you! I die to my flesh that wants to lash out and I cry out "infuse me with your POWER!" Your love is changing and it is sweet. Shed it abroad in my heart!!

Are we called to SUFFER?

2007-01-25T09:45:00.000-04:00

Does suffering scare you? Read this!

1 Peter 2:19-25
For it is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God. But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.
"He committed no sin,
and no deceit was found in his mouth."When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.

How do you read that passage?

This is what I think: When I am suffering for good, it means God TRUSTS me to accomplish His will. It means He wants something done and He trusts that I will obey Him and hold up under that suffering.

Suffering is not in vain! There is a purpose and reason! This is a higher calling! When I read this passage and let it seep into my soul, it changes the way I look at life. It changes my desires, my wants. There is actual joy that can be felt during suffering. Instead of saying "why me? poor me!" I raise my hands to Him and say THANK YOU God that you are a good God! I say to Him "YES Lord I will arise to your call." I say "Yes Lord I will answer that call!!"

Let me tell you suffering for Him tastes good. There is an aroma that starts within that floods your soul and seeps into you. It pours out of you and rises all the way up into heaven. It delights God and when He gets wind of that aroma He pours out His love, His peace, His joy and His help. It becomes a love dance between you and God!

Let me encourage you whatever your problem is: Don't give up! God is trusting you! He is waiting on you! What are you going to do? Rise up! Rise up with me and answer His call! He won't disappoint you!

God doesn't NEED you!

2007-01-17T14:40:00.000-04:00

Yup that's right God doesn't need you.

He WANTS you. He longs for you. He desires you. It's a game of love and He's saying "wanna play?"

C.S. Lewis says it best:
God, who needs nothing, loves into existence wholly superfluous creatures in order that He may love and perfect them... If I may dare the biological image, God is a "host" who deliberately creates His own parasites; causes us to be that we may exploit and "take advantage of" Him. Herein is love. This is the diagram of Love Himself, the inventor of all loves.
***

Ever feel unworthy? Read this!

2007-01-13T21:40:00.000-04:00

I am so excited to share this as I think it's one of the best things I've ever read. I hope it can help someone as much as it has helped me.

I emailed my wonderful uncle Terry (Rev. Terry Roberts) as he has a special relationship with the Lord and this was my question or questions to him:

"I have a few questions for you if you don't mind. I was wondering, do you think that there are some people who have a very sensitive spirit, maybe more so than others that can sense the Holy Spirit more? I hope that even makes sense. I guess I should explain. I often struggle with deep feelings of being unworthy. I sense how Holy the Lord is and I feel how wide the gap is between me and God. It is this reason that I stick very close to Jesus and call out to Him often. Yet I often feel frustrated because I feel the stink of the world on me and I think this keeps me from experiencing a deeper relationship with the Father. I keep having to come back to Jesus for the same issues in my life and I long for the day when I won't have things that keep me from the Father and I can experience His love more fully. I guess I've gotten a good taste of His love and I'm very eager and hungry to keep tasting it."

###
This was my uncle Terry's reply:
"The feelings of unworthiness may be due to your sensitivity to the supreme holiness of the Lord, which many people are not sensitive to. In fact, most are rather casual about God’s holiness, so naturally, don’t feel the sense of their own unholiness. So it is a good thing, in that sense, that you sometimes feel unworthy.

However, it is also good to be aware that we have an enemy who likes to beat up on sensitive people. Knowing how much you love Jesus and want to please Him, the Accuser will sometimes bombard your mind with thoughts of condemnation. This is not good, and should be resisted. (Read Romans 8:1, Revelation 12:7-11, James 4:7, 1 Peter 5:7-9.)

How to know the difference? The positive feelings of unworthiness flood us with a deep sense of awe for God and gratitude to Him for saving us just as we are. They call forth adoration and praise to Him who loved us and gave Himself for us. Read Revelation chapter 5, where John has a vision of Heaven, and is asked, “Who is worthy…?” He sees no one who is worthy, except the Lamb – and then all creation join in worshiping the Lamb because He is worthy. That’s the way God wants us to feel about our unworthiness and His worthiness.

The negative feelings of unworthiness – what we sometimes call “condemnation” – make us want to avoid coming into the Lord’s presence, because we feel like scum under His feet and doubt whether He will even hear us. We feel hopeless. The Lord doesn’t want us to give into such feelings. Don’t believe such feelings. They are lying “spirits” sent to torment God’s precious children. Arm yourself with the Word of God – the helmet of salvation and the shield of faith… Quote what God says about you in Ephesians chapter 1 and Romans chapter 8.

Of course, we are all unworthy in ourselves, but Colossians 1:12 says He has “qualified you” (or made you worthy) to participate in His glorious inheritance. (Read Colossians 1:9-23; 2:1-23). Chapter 2 verse 10 says we are “complete” in Christ (NIV says “you have been given fullness in Christ”) which means everything we need to satisfy the Father, we have in Christ. Also, 1 Corinthians 1:30-31 says, “It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God — that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31 Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." So, Jesus is our holiness and our righteousness. We have none apart from Him.

We do pick up the dirt of this world, and we need a washing from time to time. The Word washes us (see Ephesians 5:25,26) Every day you open the Bible and meditate in it, it washes your spirit. When you come to Him in prayer, just ask Him to cleanse you with His Blood and renew you in His Spirit. He will. (In John 13:1-10, Jesus shows His love to his disciples by washing the dirt off their feet. Read about the conversation between Jesus and Peter and meditate on it.)
###

Jennifer, here:

Isn't that awesome what my uncle wrote? I don't know about you but I'm very eager to grab my Bible and do some reading! This is exciting stuff!!!

Slow to speak

2007-01-11T17:50:00.000-04:00

James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

I love this verse and desire to learn to live it out. One thing I love about this verse, it reveals God's heart, what He desires.

I notice that when I'm quick to get angry and quick to lash out, I feel a urging from the Holy Spirit. It's like he checks me. It's my decision if I'm going to obey or allow my flesh to rule me.

My desire for this new year is learn to be slow!

Life is full

2007-01-10T21:12:00.000-04:00

Happy New Year!

Life is crazy for me. I'm sure it is for a lot of people. It seems I'm constantly on the go with the kids. We just got back from a 4 week trip to Florida visiting family for the holidays.

I spent several weeks with my parents and sister and her two boys in Jacksonville. It was good to be home with my parents. I especially enjoyed attending their church for a special Christmas Eve candle light service. I sat on the back row since we had four kids and it was awesome seeing all the candles being held up. It was really amazing thinking how those lights represent the life and love of Christ within us. Christ really is the light in a dark world and that light is within us!

Today I was talking to my Dad on the phone and he said: "You know Jennifer, our relationship with the Lord is like a marathon, not a race."

Begining a new year full of oportunities, this has new meaning for me. It's something we should all know, but life gets BUSY and before I know it I'm wondering why I'm not hearing from the Lord. I'm wondering why he feels so distant from my heart.

This new year I'm looking forward to diving back into the Word to look for some answers to questions that have been on my heart.

It's exciting to me to know that as I thrist and hunger after Him, He WILL answer those questions!! For He says: I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.

How to get around Christ in Christmas

2006-11-29T14:17:00.000-04:00

The tune from Queen "Under Pressure" came to mind when I realized readers are waiting for this next post! lol!!! Thanks mom for explaining why I've not been posting as much lately. With two little who seem to be constantly sick, it's been tough to get online long enough to type anything worth reading. lol

I'd like to say that I'm only speaking from my opinion here and realize that everyone and every family is different. My dh is atheist and I'm a born again Christan in love with Christ so my experience comes from that background.

So, just how does an atheist celebrate Christmas? It's far easier than you think. In fact I don't think the world has even been paying attention to what Christmas really is. It just seems to me that Christmas is all about giving gifts and the spirit of giving with Santa being the delivery guy.

In my little home it seems like we've been living with some blinders on. We put up a tree all decked out with Santa and decorate the house with shiny balls and sparkly lights. We bake cookies and drink hot coco. We rent holiday movies to give us warm fuzzy holiday feelings. And then there's the spirit of giving. You know what? I just think that the spirit of giving is false and it's a lie. I feel like it's been pushed on us as a society and the pressure is becoming incredible. Kids are demanding more and more and the true joy has been lost. I truly believe there is no real joy in shiny new things. I say that not because I'm weird but because I've actually seen it played out with my own children. You know what I've noticed? The more they get the LESS happy they are! It's true!

So the way you get around Christ in Christmas is by filling it up with a bunch of holiday celebrations and getting so caught up and so busy that you actually forget what Christmas REALLY is. It's the joy that our sweet Savior was born!

Celebrating Christmas with an atheist

2006-11-28T15:47:00.000-04:00

I can tell this Christmas is going to be VERY special for me this year. I'm so excited to celebrate the birth of my risen Savior! How sweet and wonderful He is. I get teary eyed just thinking of Him as a sweet innocent little babe.

I can now understand why they came to adore Him as a babe. Just think of it, a babe is so innocent, so trusting and so vulnerable. How awesome to think of that babe as our Savior. Oh it's so sweet I could cry.

I can't wait for Christmas so I can sing to Him and tell Him how much I love Him. How special He is to me. How much I adore and treasure Him. He is the lover of my soul, my joy and my delight! I want to honor Him.

Now switch your mind to celebrating Christmas with an atheist. How flat is that? How empty, how meaningless. How sad.

I wish with all my heart my husband could understand the true joy in Christmas. I used to think that Christmas was about family and in many ways it still is. I'll be visiting with my family for Christmas and I'm so looking forward to that. BUT Christmas is different this year. It's more than just family, way more!!! There is a joy in my heart that wants to sing out!!!!!!

Christmas has such meaning!!! The Savior is born!!! He is our hope, our joy, our peace!!! He is our way!

There aren't enough words to describe it, it's so awesome!!!!!

My heartfelt prayer; Oh Lord, how wonderful you are!!! Happy Birthday!! Thank you for You!!! I give thanks for your birth! You are awesome, you are amazing and thrilling! I don't need a man in a red suit, I just need you! How empty is Christmas without you! I only want to think of you and worship and adore You. You my Lord are all I need and You are enough for me! I love you!!

My next post will be titled "Exactly how does an atheist celebrate Christmas?" I'll be sharing how my husband gets around the Christ in Christmas.

Some verses I needed to hear

2006-11-07T13:10:00.000-04:00

1 Corinthians 6:11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

2 Thessalonians 2:13 But we ought always to thank God for you, brothers loved by the Lord, because from the beginning God chose you to be saved through the sanctifying work of the Spirit and through belief in the truth. He called you to this through our gospel, that you might share in the glory of our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Peter 1:1-2 Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ,
To God's elect, strangers in the world, scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia and Bithynia, who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying work of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and sprinkling by his blood:
Grace and peace be yours in abundance.

John 17:16-19 They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world. 19For them I sanctify myself, that they too may be truly sanctified.

Romans 8:1-3 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man

A lesson on grace and mercy

2006-11-01T09:35:00.000-04:00

Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

I wonder when you ask the Lord for something, like say patience, does it suddenly just zap into your heart and instantly you are a patient person?

Well for me it hasn't been that way. For me when I ask for something it seems the Lord teaches me things through a lesson. I don't just easily and instantly receive something like that. It takes a little pain for me to grow and change.

So this past Thursday I was thinking on grace and mercy.

Merriam Webster Online defines grace as: disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency

and mercy as: compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender or to one subject to one's power; also : lenient or compassionate treatment

So this past Thursday we were flying with my brother and sister in law and all four of our kids to Miami. My husband and I arrived at the airport on time and found our brother in law was running late. Not unusual at all so we decide to go ahead and check in. We make the line, show our ID's and hear the man at the counter say, "Are you flying today? You aren't in the system." The words I dreaded to hear. I knew when traveling with them that I would need a lot of patience since they are always running late but I didn't expect rushing to the airport to find out we don't have tickets. Ugh.......

It seems that brother in law made a mistake and purchased the tickets for Friday NOT Thursday so I watched the kids while the adults tried to change all the tickets and find an available flight out that night.

So there I am with four screaming kids in the airport and a decision to make. Do I get angry at brother in law? I mean, how could someone make a mistake like that? I think back to the entire stressful day of rushing and packing and getting to the airport with two little ones and now I'm told there are no tickets????? I felt like I could scream!

All the sudden the words grace and mercy came to me. I'm standing in line with four kids, stressed to my breaking point and two little words change everything. Grace and mercy.

How much grace and mercy do I want and need in my life? How much grace and mercy do I need from my Lord? How much grace and mercy does He lovingly and freely give me?

I knew then what I had to do. I needed to show some grace and mercy. So instead of getting SO upset I let it go.

And you know what? Grace and mercy feels SO much better than anger and impatience.

In the end we got on a flight and made it to Miami and I thank the Lord for reminding me of those two LITTLE words that have such BIG meaning.

I get it!!

2006-10-31T10:01:00.000-04:00

Or at least I think I do.

I've been out of town the past weekend. We flew to Miami with my husband's brother and wife and their two kids. It was a short trip but a lot of fun.

We flew into Miami at night and I had a window seat. There to my left was a huge crescent moon, I felt like I could reach out and touch it.

Something about this moon touched me and I began to worship the Lord thanking Him for such beauty. What an awesome God He is!

And then I saw it. The Miami coastline. It was AMAZING. Just beautiful. SO many lights. Thousands and thousands of little dots for miles.

And then I thought of all the souls down there. And then I understood. Imagine this: imagine all of those souls turning away from their self and turning toward God and with one voice worshiping Him. Adoring Him.

Wow!

It's what He wants!

As I looked down I wondered how many souls were worshiping Him at that moment, and I joined my voice with theirs. What an awesome God He is. Really there are no words to describe Him.

I'll never forget that moment, flying over so many people and looking down and feeling like I was getting a view that God gets. I can't wait for the harvest. For the time when the weeds are swept up and burned and all that's left behind is the wheat. And every soul on earth is made pure and righteous through Christ and we all worship Him the way we were made to!

So do they think I'm crazy?

2006-10-25T08:31:00.000-04:00

Last week I joined a fitness club to get in shape and I've enjoyed every minute of it. They have great childcare so my children have a wonderful time playing with other kids and I get to work out and focus on me. Working out is great for stress and very important. I've always worked out, I was a swimmer in high school and before having kids I competed in mountain biking. But with two little ones there has been much time for me.

Thankfully the Lord has blessed me and made a way for me to join this club and get the exercise I need. Last night I took a boot class camp and I giggled the whole time as I tried to figure out how to coordinate my body to the music. It was so much fun!

Another great thing about this club is they have a cafe so after I work out I can grab a bite and eat in peace while my two little ones are right down the hall.

I discovered a wonderful little thing about my ipod. I've had that thing for a couple of years and never use it much. So when I started to work out I pulled it out and I quickly discovered I can download radio broadcasts from Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer. I also bought an audio book from Beth Moore called A Heart Like His and I can listen to all that while I'm sweating at the gym! Yea! My faith can grow right along with my muscles!!! ha!

I also discovered something called God's ipod and I download worship music. So during my down time at the cafe I listen to worship music and pray.

I wonder if they think I'm crazy.

There I am.

The new girl.

The one in the corner.

And I'm praying!

It only takes a second and I go from sitting in a cafe to worshiping at my Fathers throne!

I wonder if they would mind if I turn the unused racket ball court into a prayer room? I can envision myself walking around that court speaking in my heavenly language!

Today I'm taking a kick boxing class and after that I'm off to the cafe and this time with my HUGE HEAVY Bible for some good reading!

Ha! They are really going to think I'm crazy.

If only I could tell them .....'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'Matthew 4:4

If only they knew that spiritually they are starved to death without Him.

What is sweeter than honey?

2006-10-17T14:45:00.000-04:00

Tuesday mornings I share leadership with two other woman at my church for a Woman's Bible study class. Today wasn't my turn to lead and the lady leading put the usual study lesson aside and decided to have us just read our favorite passages from the Word.

We each took turns reading out our favorite passages and what they mean to us. I felt the Holy Spirit enter that room and I felt His power falling down! It was awesome! I got a warm tingle all over me and a joy came over me that was thrilling.

There is nothing more exciting to me that to get together with other believers and read the Word. His Word is so sweet to me, sweeter than honey. His Word is so thrilling to me, I could soak it up for hours.

After we finished reading we had our usual prayer time and this was my prayer: Oh God, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I can't thank you enough for creating me. For making me so that on this Tuesday I can sit with this group of woman and DELIGHT in reading Your Word. You are awesome. You are amazing! I love you!!

Who is Jesus?

2006-10-13T09:07:00.000-04:00

I'm getting to know Jesus and He's thrilling! The whole plan of God is just genius. I haven't found religion or a set of rules, I'm experiencing a personal relationship. God through His son Jesus has invited me to experience Him. And its mind blowing!

I found this versus in Matthew last night that perfectly describes my Savior. These are His words:

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

My Savior is gentle and sweet. He begs me to give Him my problems. He wants to take all my burdens and pain for Himself and in exchange He gives me rest. He slows down my beating heart. He takes my anxiety and gives me peace. He knows just what I need and He wants me. He wants me as I am. I don't have to clean up before I can meet with Him. He loves me flaws and all. The more flawed I am, the more gentle and loving He becomes. He is a healer and He loves to heal!

Oh He is awesome!